Mrs. Dash to my Mr. T.

 We stopped treatment over a week ago now. We are in the final pages of our final chapter as Mrs. Dash and Mr. T. Dash has been such a trooper, determined to be the best patient that is possible. 

Turning the page. For three years we have been doing everything we can to keep him as healthy as possible as long as possible. Now that we are here, in the final days/weeks with a focus on comfort over curing, it is such a hard transition to make. Watching the person you love, who has been your rock for the better part of your life struggling to stand, to sit, to breathe. It is a nightmare. My heart is aching so much. 

 I thought with watching the way cancer attacked his body over time that I was prepared to hear the words - hospice care. I thought I was ready to encourage him to get the rest and peace he aptly deserves. We both knew that it would be difficult. We put it off as long as we possible could. Now we are here and it doesn't feel real. 

I feel like I can't breathe. 

 How do I go on?  

The link above is how I feel right at this moment and I wish I could I sing this to Dash right now (but he is sleeping/resting).  So I will just share this with the vast void of the internet. If there are still readers out there - I hope you never have to experience this pain, while knowing it is a real part of life, it is the worst part of life. Figuring out "How do I" without you...  

Chan-Man

 

Congratulations to Chan-Man who is now his own Mr. to a beautiful Mrs! 

The picture below is at his wedding a couple of weeks ago. 

Constant and Consistant - underrated virtues

This is a post - that I never published from 2 years ago. 

_____ 

A little over a year ago we found out that Chad has cancer. It is big, scary and very little we can do in our humanness to change that. There were treatments and plans and as each one was pursued, we adjusted to it. The one he is on now, is working longer than we expected. When he went on this medication, I remember saying, as I often do. "What if it doesn't work long." His reply was, as it always is "It will work until it doesn't." I would reply, "But then what?".  

Through our almost 30 years of marriage, I have never appreciated Chad's ability to be constant in all situations or his consistency as much as I have in seeing his approach to life, until death.I remember wondering how this would affect him, how would he choose to live out the end of his life? I might have been a bit frustrated at his response, because, if ever there is life changing information it is "you life expectancy is 'months'." But my husband, after careful thought and consideration and many opportunities to change his mind consistently says the same thing "I'm a Christian, I am living life the way I believe I'm supposed to be and I don't feel the need to change things." He chooses to still work, to a level that he is in the process of getting a promotion. He chooses to play games with me, even when he doesn't feel the greatest. He chooses to participate in small group and other social activities. He isn't changing. He isn't choosing to be different, he is constant. 

Constant and Consistent are comforting virtues. They make you realize how much you can trust and rely on that person. You know who they are because even being shook to the core and told you are dying, doesn't change who they are or how they operate in daily life. 

_____

With the exception that in the past year, Chad has been to tired to continue to play games and engage socially outside of work, he remains constant and consistent. He says he is "living past his expiration date".  Over these 3 years, we have turned 50 (now 52) celebrated 31 years of marriage, seen our daughter get married and start her life as a Mrs. Watched our son move away (again) and find his future bride. We will celebrate their new beginning together on Sept. 14, 2025. Chad will be able to attend. We continue to count our blessings and I continue to see the virtue in constant and consistent living. I have loved this man for over 33 years. I have had moments where his constant and consistent behavior was a thorn to me, and my desire to change things, but I see how in the right moment, at the right time - that unwavering attitude can bring comfort to chaos.

 

I'm not okay ... and that's okay

I'm not okay and that's okay. I don't have to smile or be happy all the time. Life is not always happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is a bunch of contradictions. 

 

Is it okay to smile when I'm sad? 

Is it okay to be sad when others want me to be happy? 

Is it okay to wish things were different? 

Is it okay to long for what isn't? 

Is it okay to live only in the moment?

Is it okay to miss the moment for all the noise that masks it?

Is it okay to not be okay?

It is okay to smile when others expect you to be sad.  

It is okay to to be okay with things as they are, good or bad.

It is okay to not want what isn't.

It is okay to be in the moment only and not think about tomorrow. 

It is okay to change. 

It is okay to stay the same. 

It is okay.

 

I'm not okay and that's okay. I don't have to smile or be happy all the time. Life is not always happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is a bunch of contradictions. 

 

Life Posts - stream of conscience writing - beware. :)

 Ok - I have not published anything in a while.  Here's the thing - the thing is - how do you put this down in writing?  I have spoken these words, but to write it.  It makes it feel more real. To respect the privacy of my husband, I will continue to call him Mr. T as some people jokingly called him in what now feels like a past life.  Over two decades ago we found our people, and even though we have moved and many of our people have too, this blog remains.  I don't think anyone even reads these any more!  But here I am, writing this with no expectations of return, just another post to the great void, the internet.  

Ok - I'm back - Mr. T.  That was where I veered.  Mr. T went to the emergency room a few months ago.  The short version, he thought he was having a heart attach.  The long version.  He has HCC (Liver Cancer).  We've had a few months to live with the diagnosis.  Treatment started (finally) a little over a month ago.  He has stage 3 liver cancer.  The good new is that even though it is large it is not currently in charge of his entire body. It has not spread.  There have been countless doctors, appointments, tests, labs.  It's is overwhelming to say the least.  It is almost like we have parallel lives happening.  One life, he has cancer, appointments, tests, treatments and the other - our daughter is getting married, we are both working full time, our son is buying a house and getting promoted and life continues.  The earth still spins.  Day becomes night, night becomes day.  

Here is where I put the note in that I'm SOOOOO thankful that we get to live parallel lives. That he is well enough to enjoy the kids at Christmas and fix dinner or go out to eat.  We can play card games with friends and if we didn't have the disruption of the appointments, losing his sick time and paid time off; very little has changed.  And yet it has changed.  

People say there are good days and bad days.  We are blessed and thankful that we haven't really seen bad at this point.  Yes, in context and perspective - we have good days and bad, but our bad days are so minor to what they could be, that we find ourselves focused on what they aren't not what they are.  

I know that a lot of what we are going through is not different from that of what people go through with any chronic illness.  People live with cancer, HIV, MS, heart problems, Parkinson's, and so many more things.  This is not a post asking for pity or even implying that we somehow have it worse than others.  It is just a post to say that today - I feel it.  I feel sad that my husband has cancer.  I know the doctors are optimistic and that we have not been given news that implies we should expect anything less than a positive outcome.  But today, that doesn't matter. Today, I feel sad.  I feel the impact that he has had on my life and I feel strength that he has been for me for so long and I feel the vast inability to be that strength for him.  I feel so lost.  I feel so unprepared to be the one who nurtures and cares for him.  I have been loved and cared for and babied my entire adult life by this man and today I realize just how much I have lacked in reciprocating that strength.  I have not enabled him to be a person who sometimes just needs the comfort of someone else.  I have not enabled him to need. 

Today, I was able to be support - a little bit.  In a very minor way.  I am learning.  He is learning.  It is not easy to allow oneself to be vulnerable.  He is not good at that, which is why he is better at being the strong one.  As the scales balance out more and we both learn to grown in this unfortunate way.  My super hero of a husband remains my ride or die.  I saw a friends post on Facebook about cancer. How the treatments often tear families apart and how so many marriages end in divorce.  I'm saddened  by that post because this is the most difficult thing we have ever gone through as a couple.  It is harder than debt, harder than job losses, harder than having different life goals and learning to realign.  It is tough and yet - it isn't.  It is what you do.  You love one another, you take care of each other.  

I have had the song "you're still the one" running through my mind all day.  I can not imagine one day in my life where this song is not 100% accurate.  Mr. T is still the one and I hope and pray we have many more years together, in good times; in bad time; in sickness; and in health  

YOU'RE STILL THE ONE

Graduate 2020

 

After years of only having an Associates degree in Management and Marketing,  I finally completed my Bachelors of Science in Accounting.  I am proud of my accomplishment.  I am realistic that it isn't a major award or some tremendous accomplishment compared to most people, but it feels good.  I have felt like I was limited by not completing my bachelors years ago and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to have this experience at this point in my life. It was work, I'm not an academically minded person, but I genuinely enjoyed learning and growing as a person through the experience.  I am not sure what my future holds but I'm happy that I achieved this.

Here I go again

Warning - if you're looking for a nice healthy blog  -  this is not the one to read!  Skip along!

Ok, if you are still reading, you've been warned! ;)

Health.  As an extremely obese person, I don't talk much about health.  I shy away from it because it's obvious I'm not the picture of health. This is certainly and sadly not limited to my physical status.  But recently my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  It's been an adjustment for him, and for me, it's been a smack in the face.  Because I've been type 2 diabetic for a while now and I'm on a lot of insulin because I don't control my diet, I have a lifestyle of almost no activity and I've done nothing to change this.

After my son's diagnosis, I felt guilty for not doing more.  I had been wanting to do something, but with work and school, I gave myself an out and thought, maybe next year, when I'm done with school.  Then I saw that I had access through my benefits program for Virta Health. It is a keto diet program, monitored by doctors. 

So, after weeks of tests and training, today I start on the Virta program.  I am doing this because there is nothing my son can do to change his diagnosis, but he still purposefully is making healthy choices and doing his best to adapt.  I don't want to have him resent me for having the ability to change and not doing it.  I'm doing this because I'm still ashamed of myself and I want to be proud of myself. I'm doing this because I want to live a long life and I won't if I don't stop my self-sabotage now.

Here is where the really unhealthy talking starts --- run away!  :)

I need to break up with Carbs.  I have an unhealthy love with carbohydrates and sugars and that's why I've not made changes until now.  So - here is my breakup letter to carbs. (This is not part of the program, just something I need to do for me).

Carbs,
I appreciate how you've been there for me all these years. You have looked pretty and tasted wonderful.  You're so versatile too. You can go anywhere and fit right in!  It's been great.  I mean, we've had some awesome times.  Unfortunately, I can't see you anymore.  I'm at a point in my life I need to do things on my own.  I need to be happy and celebrate without you.  I need to feel sad and know it's ok without you comforting me.  I need to find out who I am, without you.  It really isn't you, it's me.  You're great!  There are so many others out there for you that you are a good fit for.  I just can't keep doing this, I'm not healthy when I'm with you.  Thanks for understanding, you're awesome that way, so I knew you would.  Love, T

Reader, if you are still there, I know I'm being silly, but sometimes life calls for it.  I have an addictive personality.  So much that I knew if the program made me give up carbs and diet coke I'd struggle. (Thank you, Lord, I get to keep the soda, for now!)  Maybe I'll kick bad habits/addictions by getting healthier and I admire those who have the mental ability to do things in moderation and hear the voice in their head say stop and they do!  That is amazing!  I'm still not sure why I'm broken in that way?  The good news is even though I've tried things before this, I'm not giving up on me.  I'm not giving in to a destiny of death.  I choose to work, to overcome and I choose me.

I don't want my children to ever look at my life and think that I've wasted it. I want them to see growth and change and me never giving up.  I know they see the imperfection, I pray they see the willingness to move towards better life choices, in all areas of my life.

Anyone still reading, know that it is my prayer, that you never give up on YOU!  Love, T

What - or who - is standing in your way?

Over the years I've spent a lot of time telling my kids they could do or be whatever they want. That ultimately the people who want something bad enough - make it happen.  I've been a firm believer of that too!

So I guess the title is a little misleading.

Last year about this time I had an epiphany.  I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I was the person holding me back and standing in my way.  While life circumstances certainly contribute, I was the only reason I had not completed my bachelors degree.  So, I went online and researched, found a school I could afford and now I'm about done with year 1 of 2 years to complete an Accounting degree.  Because I decided to not just go for 1 to 1/2 years and complete the management degree, but to go and complete the Accounting degree that I always said I wish I had, but never got.

It's tough.  A lot tougher than I expected.  I didn't realize how much my reading comprehension issues played a part in my quitting school the first time. I've struggled with every class, but with every class I gain confidence too.  In the process I also received a bump at work, where they recognized I can do more and they are letting me, so I am truly a manager, even hired my first employee - start to finish, by myself!  I think that has a lot to do with me going back to school for my bachelors degree and having more confidence in who I am.

It's hard to explain, but I'll try.

Basically - once I let go of all my inner reasons (some valid, some excuses) to not pursue my degree it was like I broke down this wall of inferiority and I pushed through holding onto my lack of self confidence as a security blanket.  To achieve a degree and essentially learn how to learn again - at 45 - well, there is no room for "I can't or what ifs".  I have to channel my inner yoda and "do or do not".

If anyone reading this is considering what's next in their life (which I seem to find we have crossroads more frequently than most would like to admit) and you're not sure if you should take the leap,  I ask - who or what is standing in your way?

If you're a couple, you may have to do some decision making processes together.  I had to acknowledge that our home life would change and I couldn't do FT work, school, and household management.  Thankfully I had a husband who supported me and was in a place in his life that he could rearrange things and take on cooking, grocery store runs, and managing the cleaning so I can have study time carved out and we can still have some down time too.  I'm getting the degree, but I couldn't have done this without his support.  He helped me remove some of the things that were standing in my way, once I was able to identify what they were.

If you're reading this, know that anything you want you can achieve, you just have to find your path to it.  Sometimes it is a paved path (right out of high school continuing to college); sometimes a dirt path just off a bit; and sometimes you're in the middle of the forest hoping you're heading the right direction from what little sun you can catch through the trees.  It maybe hard, but sometimes the things we need to do are.

At some point your lack of choosing becomes your choice.