Ok - I have not published anything in a while. Here's the thing - the thing is - how do you put this down in writing? I have spoken these words, but to write it. It makes it feel more real. To respect the privacy of my husband, I will continue to call him Mr. T as some people jokingly called him in what now feels like a past life. Over two decades ago we found our people, and even though we have moved and many of our people have too, this blog remains. I don't think anyone even reads these any more! But here I am, writing this with no expectations of return, just another post to the great void, the internet.
Ok - I'm back - Mr. T. That was where I veered. Mr. T went to the emergency room a few months ago. The short version, he thought he was having a heart attach. The long version. He has HCC (Liver Cancer). We've had a few months to live with the diagnosis. Treatment started (finally) a little over a month ago. He has stage 3 liver cancer. The good new is that even though it is large it is not currently in charge of his entire body. It has not spread. There have been countless doctors, appointments, tests, labs. It's is overwhelming to say the least. It is almost like we have parallel lives happening. One life, he has cancer, appointments, tests, treatments and the other - our daughter is getting married, we are both working full time, our son is buying a house and getting promoted and life continues. The earth still spins. Day becomes night, night becomes day.
Here is where I put the note in that I'm SOOOOO thankful that we get to live parallel lives. That he is well enough to enjoy the kids at Christmas and fix dinner or go out to eat. We can play card games with friends and if we didn't have the disruption of the appointments, losing his sick time and paid time off; very little has changed. And yet it has changed.
People say there are good days and bad days. We are blessed and thankful that we haven't really seen bad at this point. Yes, in context and perspective - we have good days and bad, but our bad days are so minor to what they could be, that we find ourselves focused on what they aren't not what they are.
I know that a lot of what we are going through is not different from that of what people go through with any chronic illness. People live with cancer, HIV, MS, heart problems, Parkinson's, and so many more things. This is not a post asking for pity or even implying that we somehow have it worse than others. It is just a post to say that today - I feel it. I feel sad that my husband has cancer. I know the doctors are optimistic and that we have not been given news that implies we should expect anything less than a positive outcome. But today, that doesn't matter. Today, I feel sad. I feel the impact that he has had on my life and I feel strength that he has been for me for so long and I feel the vast inability to be that strength for him. I feel so lost. I feel so unprepared to be the one who nurtures and cares for him. I have been loved and cared for and babied my entire adult life by this man and today I realize just how much I have lacked in reciprocating that strength. I have not enabled him to be a person who sometimes just needs the comfort of someone else. I have not enabled him to need.
Today, I was able to be support - a little bit. In a very minor way. I am learning. He is learning. It is not easy to allow oneself to be vulnerable. He is not good at that, which is why he is better at being the strong one. As the scales balance out more and we both learn to grown in this unfortunate way. My super hero of a husband remains my ride or die. I saw a friends post on Facebook about cancer. How the treatments often tear families apart and how so many marriages end in divorce. I'm saddened by that post because this is the most difficult thing we have ever gone through as a couple. It is harder than debt, harder than job losses, harder than having different life goals and learning to realign. It is tough and yet - it isn't. It is what you do. You love one another, you take care of each other.
I have had the song "you're still the one" running through my mind all day. I can not imagine one day in my life where this song is not 100% accurate. Mr. T is still the one and I hope and pray we have many more years together, in good times; in bad time; in sickness; and in health
2 comments:
Thanks for sharing. This is beautiful. I am wiping away a tear as I write. We love you guys. Praying for you both. I believe that you have the strength within you. You can be Mrs. T!
I'm always sad to see close friends going through difficult times and not really having words to help. Mr T is in my prayers for sure.
It's wonderful that you can both adjust to be what each other needs as situations change. As you said, those sorts of adjustments are hard, and a lot of people give up rather than making them.
We're hoping and trusting for the outcome to remain positive.
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