500

May 7, 2009. Age 36. It's my birthday. It's also my 500 post. I'd like to make the post special somehow.

Unique.

Different.

I'm not sure how to do that. I have today off from work. It's been a good day. I got up at 10:30. I'm getting ready to go to Indy, meeting Chad there tonight. The kids are at school. It's just a kick back and relax time for me right now.

Writing.

Relax.

The thing I do the most when I relax is write. I write emails, post blogs, throw a status up on facebook, comment to someone. I use to just write letters to my kids. I am not sure, but I guess I kind of feel the blog takes place of that.

Or maybe I ran out of wise words for them?

Somewhere, somehow I realized that I know very little. I'm not sure when exactly, but somewhere on my path in the past I lost a part of me. I lost my confidence in who I am.

Who I am.

But I'm working on finding it again. I hope that it doesn't take as long as it feels that it will. I was thinking last night.

Thinking.

Feeling.

If I could go back in time and change just one thing, one moment, what would I change? What moment would be the key to me keeping my confidence. What moment would set my life on a path that is similar (husband, kids, life) but different (confidence). When did I lose it? Where did it go?

Where?

Sadly, I think it was several things over the years. Starting with me allowing myself to get fat, and then hiding behind that. Then losing a job because of an attack on my character did a number on my professional confidence. Giving up singing as a part of my identity also was a hit on my confidence. Not pursing writing because of my lack of grammar skills.

Failures.

Insecurities.

36.

I guess I can sadly see where little bits of my confidence left and instead of replenishing it, I just became depleted. Depleted to what I am today. But now, I am choosing to replenish.

Replenish.

Writing.

I write my blogs. Grammar is what I want it to be. It is my blog world.

Accept

I accept that I am not perfect. That has never been the problem. The problem is I see every little mistake I make and I have a difficult time getting past them. Each small thing becomes a HUGE thing in my mind.

Changes

Some people make new years resolutions. I try to push myself to improve every year. I set goals for myself (usually around my birthday instead of new years.) This years goal. To find my confidence. To not magnify my imperfections. I need to learn to let go.

Let go of me.

With God's help I hope I never stop working on the next step in my journey of life.

500.