I am starting a Business Strategy class and the first lesson I had was on freestyle writing to come up with themes and ideas. It reminded me of my blog, as I've always said that was what I was doing here.
Often I find myself on here when I'm feeling melancholy. When I'm trying to figure something out. I don't always find the answers, but sometimes after writing things down, I feel better, or my mind is calmed enough I can go ahead and go to sleep after. I guess that is probably what I'm hoping for tonight.
Sometimes life is hard. Then you come out of the hardship and you think to yourself "whew, we made it through that". Only to find yourself in the deep end of heartbreak from more hardship.
I'm in the deep in of difficulty.
My dad has cancer, didn't tell us for a while. Now we know, but he's sick. They are doing treatment and they aren't anywhere (to our knowledge) near saying 'end of life/life expectancy' stuff so, I'm praying for him. He's believing in healing and going to start radiation and maybe even have surgery soon.
This is a difficult time.
N has been sick too. She puts up so many parameters up on what I can share or say or not say to people or things I can or can't do with her and our relationship. She doesn't trust me and while I keep trying to earn that trust back, I'm overwhelmed by the emotions of just wanting to be her mom, to hold her in my arms love her and tell her everything will be okay - but she pulls away. She has her reasons for not trusting me. I understand, she was hurt and I was close by and didn't know it and I wasn't there for her the way she needed me to be. I just found out not long ago and I'm devastated. I get why she is punishing me and has for so long, I get the lack of trust. But I hurt for her. I hurt for her because of her physical pain and her emotional pain. But now, she's moving on and starting to heal and making decisions that I don't agree with, that I never thought she would do and I'm at a loss because I don't have permission to be in her life in the way a mom should be there. I have to tiptoe and only say/do the things I'm permitted to say/do. I want to help her. I want to celebrate her life with her. I want to be excited when she's excited and I want to hurt with her when she's hurting. I am overwhelmed that I don't get to have that with her.
This is a painful time.
Dash and I are trying to help one another through the mind field of relationships with N and trying to still be there for CS while he's developing into an adult and trying to encourage one another and well --- that last part is tough because we don't agree sometimes and we don't see things the same and we'll be ok and then we just aren't because we are on opposite sides of a solution. Which then makes the solution a problem and you just cycle back.
This is a challenging time.
I am so glad I am in school so I have some reprieve when I have to think about school, I can't think or dwell on everything else. But school brings its own dilemmas as I'm being stretched and realizing that at 45, going back to school is not easy. I don't know things and I'm relearning things and I'm learning how to learn again. It's tough. It's not for the weak. Sometimes my brain just hurts.
This is a time of mixed feelings.
Sometimes I feel lost. Tonight, I feel lost. I hurt for my dad. I ache for my daughter. I cry at what is a very challenging time for my marriage, I'm neither happy or sad but overwhelmed with school.
This is a time of life that is not great. I know that I'll reach the other side. I know that I'll get through this too. I'm at peace during this feeling like if I keep moving I'll eventually get through the woods. I'm just not sure what the other side of the woods looks like. I thought life got easier not harder as you get older. I mean, you're supposed to grow, have more wisdom, have more answers...but all you have are the answers to the things from the past and rarely do we repeat our past. We have new things. I'm a mess. I'm a mess and I don't know how to get through it but I'm going to trust God to shine a light and keep me headed in the right direction. I may stumble and I may trip up and I may get to the other side and it may look very different than I imagined. But I know I can do this. I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
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