Day 147

I watched a movie recently about addictions.  Things people do to overcome them and how they "reboot" when they have a set back.  It was interesting to see how addiction gets a hold of many different personality types, success levels of life, ages, even genders.  People who are polar opposite in every way can share one thing in common - the inability to say no - .  It might be to alcohol, or to drugs, or to food, or to sex, or to exercise, or to eating right.  Just about anything you can think of can be taken to an unhealthy level of obsession.

I've been thinking about this because 147 days ago I said I would give God a year.  For those of you good at math, there are 365 days in a year.  During this year, I was going to stay committed to a weight loss program I had started.  I was going to pray and read my Bible every day.  I was going to refocus my life.

None of those things should be that challenging.  I've actually done rather well with the Bible reading aspect.  Pretty good on the prayers, although - I could spend more time in this area.  The weight loss thing, keeps getting me down.  I did so well for a short time, but to stay with it long term, seems to be an impossible task.  So, tonight - after I blog, I am going to email the "nutrition coach" and tell him that I won't be continuing in the program.  I'd like to say it's because I can't afford to, it is expensive.  but the real reason is I don't want to spend money to just be continually reminded that I'm not doing the things that I know I should be doing.  I use to, as a kid, sit and think "why can't my dad, just not drink?"  "Why does he keep doing it if he knows mom doesn't like it and it's wrong?"  But week after week on Friday nights, more than not I'd spend them crying watching out my window, with it open to listen for his car, praying he'd make it home safe.  That God wouldn't let him die, that he wouldn't be taken away from us.

I wonder, do my kids ask themselves, "why does mom keep eating crap?"  "Why doesn't she just eat right, she knows how to."  I have no more excuses.  I remember as an adult coming to the realization that I couldn't judge my dad for drinking, anymore than he could judge me for being fat.  My dad didn't beat us or mom, even though that was modeled to him.  I don't drink, even though it was modeled to me.  So I pray for God to be with my children and help them to make good choices in life.  I know they may struggle with something, a lot of people do, maybe more than I'll ever know.  But I hope it's not something that is so obvious to others.  I hope it's something that doesn't hurt them physically or others around them emotionally.  I pray that they find a way to do things in moderation and to not make the same mistakes I make, if they do, I hope that they have strong support of those around them to help them when they fall down to pick up the pieces and to not give up trying to do the right thing.

I may try to do this program again next year, budget for it so I have the money set aside ahead of time and hope to find a way to refocus - again - until then, I'll postpone it.  I'm going to try to make good choices, and when I don't, I'm going to try to not hate myself.  I'm going to try not to focus on the fact that I quit so many things and I'm going to try to focus on the fact that I don't want to ever give up, not completely.  I don't want to ever get to a point where I'm not willing to try something.  Maybe someday, I'll wake up and love protein and hate carbs.  Maybe someone I'll just find a way to balance my protein/carbs.  Today may not be that day, but I have to believe, maybe someday I'll be strong.  I still wonder, what was Paul's issue?  What was the things that he wished he would do but didn't and the things that he didn't want to do, that he did?  I hope someday to identify with a happier more overcoming part of scripture, but for today, I'll take comfort in knowing I'm not a lone and that God is not that far away.

I may never fully overcome this issue, but I hope to never fully stop trying.  For now, I will take a break from the failure so I can build up more emotional stamina to try again.

Note, this is not a break from "Giving God a year" It's a break from trying to lose weight during that time.  I am still 100% praying and reading God's Word, I hope to continue this daily devotion to my grave, far beyond this year, God willing.