Sometimes I have to write it out. So...here it goes.
I want people to know (that we're close too) about our situation because I want people to be praying. It helps me in times like this to know people care, that we're not alone. The flip side to that is that I'm a private person. I also like to pick and choose what I say to who. I may tell one person details that I won't tell another. Part of that is because of my perception on how I think someone may react and mostly it is because sometimes I feel like sharing, sometimes I don't.
The fact of the matter is, like I said in my last blog, this unfortunately is not a new thing for us. The circumstances surrounding it might be...but the situation itself is not. So, we know the drill. That part is good. We're not new to this. What is difficult is all the questions people ask, because they care.
I know they want to know how Chad is, how we are, how the kids are. I know they want to know if he's getting responses to his resume and if he's got interviews. But until he gets a job, it's going to be one roller coaster ride after another for us. We'll have ups and downs. We'll have interviews and hopeful "maybe this is the one". We'll have "do we want to move there?" "Should we stay?" "Should we go?" moments.
That part, I don't like talking about. I can write about it :), but that is different. When I'm at work, I don't want a call asking me about my personal life right now. Not everyone knows or at least, I'm not telling everyone there. Even some I have told, I won't ever share details with because they haven't cared about my family up to this point, so they don't get to pretend or even decide that this warrants them caring now.
I guess this is how I feel. I'm struggling. I don't want to be, but I am. I'm trying to worship God and praise Him in the storm. I feel a peace, I accept that. But I'm angry. I'm a little scared for our finances, although I know it's not the end of world, and we'll figure it out, I don't know what figuring it out means at this point. I'm hurt for Dash and I'm concerned for him on how he's taking this. It was a personal blow, but he doesn't get to take time to rebound, he's got to be ok and keep going to find a new job. He has to overcome all the emotional crap that comes with this and I'm proud of how well he's doing, but truth is, we both have heavy hearts. We have kids who need us to be ok and show them that you can be ok when the ground is shaking under you. So, we have to be ok. I want to be ok. I am ok. Yet, I'm not totally ok. I am ok. Just not 100% ok. I guess I'll take the % of okayness that I am and continue to be thankful for that.
The Bible says "cast all your cares upon Him for He cares for you." Thank you God for caring for me, especially when I feel I don't deserve it. Casting my cares to you, and trusting that you'll guide us through this storm to the other side, like you always do.
3 comments:
Sorry you are in a storm. That stinks even if you do know the drill. The doubts and fears all still come to visit. Hang in there. This too shall pass -- just not as fast as you'd like! Hugs.
I second that I wish you didn't have to go through the storm. I don't envy Dash, as I have always hated the job search process, and it is certainly a challenge to keep a good face and positive attitude about it in the best of situations.
I also hear you that you don't always want to discuss how you're feeling with every random person who all of a sudden wants to know. When I've had bad times and people asked me questions like that I always felt I either had to pretend like things were great or share more than I was comfortable with.
I care about you. I have debated whether to ask you questions or not. I know how hard it is when you don't have an answer. I am praying for you and Dash.
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