Today

I wrote this almost a year ago to the day. I never posted it then. It was deep and personal I guess I'm ready to share it now.
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It seems as I walk through the seasons of life that with each season comes both heartache and joy. While sometimes I find myself wondering "what if" as I grow older, I find myself more focused on the "what next?"

I'm 35 years old. This year, I will turn 36. This year, I will be married for 15 years. That's only 4 years less than I lived in my parents home. (If you are doing the math, I lived on my own for 2 years prior to getting married.)

I spent the first 20 years of my life wondering "what if". What if I had more friends, what if I said this differently, what if I did that instead? What if? Would people like me better. Would people love me more? Would I like me better? Would I like me more? What if God wasn't real? What if God was real? What if I died tomorrow? What if I didn't.

For most of my childhood and into my adult years I was insecure and from that insecurity a deep depression was birthed. I managed to function through it, but life should not be lived in a state of slow motion, but that was exactly where I was. It wasn't that I wasn't moving forward, but I certainly wasn't travelling at a pace that others travelled at.

When I hit rock bottom there was only one place to turn. I cried out, no, I yelled at God. I mean, assuming He was real, then what was His purpose for me? Why couldn't I feel happy? Why was I stuck? What kind of life was that? How could I be the mom and wife I needed to be? How could I fulfill the roles in my life when I could barely live my life?

In my moment of desperation, I asked God one question. Why couldn't I be happy? Why couldn't I feel happy? Why did I have to be so miserable? I begged God to help me, to show me, I begged God to heal me. I needed God more at that moment then I had ever needed God. I was 28 years old. I had 2 kids and a husband. I could keep pretending but I didn't want to live life in pretense.

I believe I will remember that moment as vividly as the second it happened until the day I die. I was desperate, I was angry, I was confused, I was hurting.

The break through for me happened when in the middle of my desperation to know once and for all what it meant to feel happy, God gave me happiness. I had been seperated from my children for a few days. In those few days it felt like a life time. I knew I had made significant progress to getting better, but I was not truly better, therefore I was bitter.

When I sat on the side of the road between Tulsa and Kansas City, yelling at God and crying my heart out like I had never done before or since, I felt His sweet presence sweep in to my van like a cool breeze brushing across your face on a warm day. God showed me what happiness was, he allowed me to be happy that I was getting to go be with my kids. At that moment, I knew that I didn't have to be unhappy. I didn't have to be obligated to not answer people when they asked how I was. I knew at that moment that no matter how down I could get about something, I would never been in the deep dark place that I lived for most of my life to that point.

You don't have to have bad things happen to you to be depressed. You don't have to be abused, or hated. You don't have to be ugly or fat. You don't have to be poor or unloved. I was non of those things. I grew up in a family that loved me very much. I grew up having all my needs met and I grew up with having more then my needs met. I grew up healthy and attractive. I had non of the "main ingredients" for depression. But I was utterly depressed. I was utterly insecure.

God healed me of the depression and slowly I have out grown the insecrurities. Although they sneak back in on occasion. I am fat now, but even that doesn't depress me (maybe it should :)) I won't say that it never bothers me, but I can honestly say it doesn't depress me. Even when things are tough and I feel I could get down I don't live in the darkness that swallowed me whole as a child and young adult.

I have learned to live for today. I have learned that today is what matters. I have learned that life has it's seasons and while you might be in winter, there is always a spring. For that reason, I can live and enjoy today.