Today I had a confrontation. I think what bothers me the most is that people avoid confrontation so much. I don't go looking for fights or trying to start something just for fun. On the other hand, why is it that we tend to be so afraid to say something, or worse feel bad when we do.
Here's the senerio. Girls Sleepover at the church till 10am. Doors locked, girls present (in pjs). The other sponsor and I heard the chimes (indicating doors open) and we were neither one near the doors. Which means that we aren't the ones going out. So we go to check things out and the two guys who do sound for the church are walking in a side door (right by the girls room).
I asked them what they were doing there, told them they were not supose to be there, that we had the building until 10am. They laughed and said they didn't know that. I corrected them, telling them that they did know and that they needed to leave. I also told them that it was not cool that they came into the building and didn't let the adults know they were there.
So, why did I feel bad afterwards? Obviously they were wrong by being there, wrong for not telling us they were there. I stand by what I said. Could I have been more tactful? Maybe. But regardless. I feel bad now because I know in Christian society we don't confront. I think that is the wrong approach. I don't think anything in the Bible says, don't hurt their feelings. Let people make wrong choices. When someone is wrong try not to offend them. I guess my personal conflict is that I hope I did offend. At least to the point that they realize that they were wrong. Yes they left. But did they leave thinking...gosh what a witch? Probably. But that isn't the point. If that were the point then I hope someone would tell me that I was wrong. That it's perfectly normal and ok for 2 men to be unannounced among young girls at a sleepover without telling the adults in charge that they are there. I would want someone to show me how that is ok and my expectation is incorrect. Do I like conflict, no. Do I want to be wrong or told that I'm wrong, heck no. BUT do I think that if I am, people should be able to tell me that. Yes.
I do not like the negative perceptions attached to people who are willing to confront, because if someone is not doing it to be malicious, but simply trying to stand up for what is right then I think that should be ok. I also think that there is definate right and wrongs, and my perception is that in today's society everyone is way to ok with not wanting to classify something as right or wrong. But that's a different blog!
2 comments:
I absolutely agree with you that people in the church should be able to be more direct with one condition. That condition is that what you are confronting them about is valid, which it was in your situation.
It is a shame that there is an expectation that we handle issues passive/aggressively in church. I'd bet at least half of church splits originate from that alone.
Well...I tried to post a comment from my phone last night...but it wouldn't take my password via mobile. :)
My comment was:
You absolutely did the right thing in speaking up because you as a leader were responsible for the girls' safety and well-being!
Don't focus on feeling guilty because you were doing your job. It was wrong for the other staff to have violated boundaries which seriously jeopardized the girls and their leaders...especially in a church setting.
I will pray that this situation is handled by the top leaders so that there are not more serious repercussions.
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