Grand parents.

During my recent trip to Indiana, I spent all of Saturday night and some of Sunday morning in a hospital. My grandmother who is now in her 80's had a stroke. She was sent back to the nursing home and then she had a spike in her blood pressure and was re-admitted to the hospital.

When I think of my grandmother I have so many thoughts. She has definitely been apart of shaping my life. Not just because she raised my dad, but because of personal experiences I had with her. During my adult life I have lived most of it away from family. I've had a tendency to envy others who have family around and are close to their grandparents. I felt I didn't have much of a relationship with mine. As I sat there, I realized I had more than I give them credit for.

My grandmother was the one person I was able to open up to and admit I was excited and scared both to move away to go to college. I was determined to be independent and afraid of failure. She, being a woman of very few words simply said "Tonya, I don't have to worry about you, I know you'll do just fine." I don't know if that was a pat answer or not. I mean, 9 kids and I believe 19 grandkids would probably lend one to believe she had most likely had this conversation before. She, like my dad has a way of making everyone feel that they are special to them. Even if it was a pat answer, it was enough to help me draw strength when I needed it, and I did make it. I enjoyed living on my own, having my own apartment. I did things different than most, but it worked for me and even though not everyone agreed with my choices, they were mine.

My grand father (mom's dad) died 7 years ago. He was a retired pastor. I learned from him as well. He was a caring man that loved his kids and grandkids. Somehow he missed the opportunity of reaching his own kids through hugs (or so I've been led to believe.) But there was something to that strong embrace that he gave me when I would come to see him and again when leaving that I knew I had someone in my corner. Maybe it was just through prayers, he didn't say a lot to me either, but I knew I was loved.

I have one other grandparent who has been a live my whole life. My mom's mom. While I appreciate her diligence in making sure she played games with me (where my passion for games comes from.) She is a little out there. I have even learned from that. I found strength in me to fight my depression because I didn't want to grow up and become like her. That is sad, but sometimes I guess you have to take and learn what you can from your family the only way you can.

I guess since I had such an emotionally draining weekend, realizing that it's possible I won't see my Gma Deckard alive again, that I wanted to kind of pay tribute to them all, so to speak. I am encouraged to realize that while none of them were perfect they all made a difference in my life, and I love them all for what contributions they gave to my life.