Learning to love me

For the first time in decades - maybe ever - I have no one else to prioritize. No one else to think of first. No husband. No little kids that rely on you. I have spent so many years struggling with not liking who I was as a person. Always seeing the negative in me, focusing on that. Telling my kids to not be like me. Apologizing for so many behaviors that were in my DNA but created difficulty and shame. Whether it was depression or bouts of anger. Anger, that is a hard one. It is ok to be angry. I knew  that. I will even say my frustration was not always unwarranted. But not knowing how to handle that, always ended up negating if it was justified or not. Because I would feel ashamed of the choices I made when I was angry and then I would spiral. 

I truly hated who I was. I wanted to be anyone but me for so much of my life. 

I finally, was able to go to therapy and get help with the inappropriate behaviors. I finally learned how to have an ounce of self-esteem. I finally learned how to be ok to make better choices. But I still didn't "like" me. Especially when I had a set back and the old me popped back up. This took so much mental energy for me to get to a point where I could accept myself, for who I was and for me to give myself grace. But Boy that was hard. I was already almost 50 by that time. 

 Then Chad got sick. and life shifted. I was just starting to become okay with who I was, but I still didn't know how to love me. I knew how to accept his love. That was the only thing that got me through the years of adulthood. He took so much crap (yes he gave some too - he wasn't a saint! ;)) But he was "better" than me and loved me, he still chose me when I was ugly inside and out. He showed up and showed me grace. And he encourage me, because he wanted me to like myself. But I just couldn't do it. And then I finally accepted myself and had to shelve that progress. I didn't loose it all - but I didn't get to move the needle forward either. 

Now, I'm alone. I have no one else to take my attention away from the woman in the mirror. And I want to move from acceptance to to love. But that is still difficult. 

 Someone the other day made a reference that I'm 53, I know what I like or don't like. And they truly believed that and said it like it was a no brainer. Meanwhile I realize, I do not have a full idea of what I like or not. What I liked was making sure others were happy. Making sure that their needs were met. Making sure I had time with them. I have figured out that because quality time is my number 1 love language - I gave up so fast on anything that I would consider, if Chad hinted that he wasn't interested. I didn't want to choose something that took my time from him. Which was not healthy. But by the time I figured that out, life was so cemented into routine and turning that around on a dime is impossible when it is no longer just your dna, but it is the dna of your marriage. 

I say all this to say - that I'm getting to know me now. I am figuring out that when I am not focused on saving my time for someone else, that I have time to think about things and really determine if it is something that I like or not. 

I don't regret my marriage. I don't regret the years that we had. While I know he put up with the immature me, he also loved me as I learned to mature and he supported me becoming healthier. He tried over the years to get me to like things. He was always trying to put things in front of me to see if something would stick (DND did - go figure! LOL). But until now. This time in my life. Being forced to make me a priority, I really get to see that I'm truly not that bad! I don't know that I "love" me yet. I am starting to like me and I am even starting to figure out things beyond work and "family time" what I like. 

I wish Chad could have had this side of me. I wish the years he put into loving me unconditionally trying to love me enough for the both of us, that he could see that I can finally can look in the mirror. I can finally say. "I accept myself as I am." I can finally release the shame and guilt and give myself some grace. I will always love him for helping me to this point. I wish - we could have continued to grow and change and mature together. But I'm so grateful that I know part of what got me here was loving that man, who when I couldn't love me- he did his best to love me, the best he could for the both of us. 

Wow - and Weird

 Today, I am organizing my new master closet! I have never had more than a couple shelves in our large walk-in closet because when we moved in, the previous owners had removed and taken all the shelving units. 

 I am super excited for all the storage space and things I'm able to have in there now! 

But the wow and weird moment came when I was grabbing a bag that had been shoved in a corner of the closet almost 2 years ago and I realized it was still packed. Chad and I had gone on what became our last trip together (with the exception of Chandler's wedding). We went to Canada, a small town just across the MI border. He was showing signs of his health being worse, but he was mostly "stable" we were almost two years into the diagnosis. The trip was the worst one we ever had. He slept the entire time, except to wake up to eat. We played one game - kind of - but we ended it before it was over because of how he felt. We tried to watch movies, but he kept falling asleep. 

We knew he would sleep a lot. But we had picked a spot that we were told was walking distance to a beach. I thought I would hang out on the beach. I even bought a beach canopy with the intention of hoping to get Chad there some too - but the plan was he would relax mostly at the cabin and I would relax at the beach, where I could easily check on him. Unfortunately the "beach" was a rock/stone beach that was about 6' wide and there was a drop off you had to climb down to even get to it. Between that and how sick was getting, I couldn't leave this "house" that we were in, in the middle of small town CA. I felt so stuck, so alone. It was hands down the worst trip I ever experienced. As he slept, I kept thinking at least at home I could be comfortable, in my own house. And I kept focusing on how alone I would soon be. How we were never going to get another trip. How we had already experienced our last good trip/good memories for our anniversary. It was so awful. I spent hours on the phone crying to my sister about how bad things were with Chad. How the labs were still "stable" but he was so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I could tell it was worse, even though the doctors couldn't yet. It took MONTHS for the doctors to catch up and realize that his cancer has spread from his liver to his shoulder and that was what was causing the pain. By the time they did, we had already gone through one round of radiation for his liver (right after the trip) and then were scheduled for a second one to "help with pain in his shoulder". Which it did not succeed at doing.  

But months after he has passed away, after I have gone through a lot of "his stuff", mostly, not all yet. In the middle of this closet reorg I find a glaring symbol of what life was like in the middle of it all. I came back so exhausted, so depressed, so concerned for his health, as he pointed out that the 45 min road trip, was a bit much for him to handle - so I knew other than Drs. appoints, we were going nowhere until he passed. I knew it was the end of an era that we were headed into the abyss (and I was right, that last 14 months were so hard for him, and by extension, for me).  That I tossed this bag in a corner and kept piling things on it for 2 years. I never saw it or noticed it after we got back. I didn't register that I hadn't unpacked it. It was the bag I had been happiest to pack, and the bag that never got opened - until today. Literally - it stayed in the back of the vehicle on the trip. We didn't even carry it inside. 

I knew that one day I would think back to that trip. That as bad as it was, he was still here, kind of, and even miss that version of him. Obviously I miss the pre-cancer version the most. But I miss him just being in the house. Just his existence, even when sick, was comforting. I hated how I couldn't bring comfort to him. I hated that he was in pain that would not cease. But right up until the end, he brought that comfort to me. That steady consistency that no matter what, he loved me, even when he didn't fully understand me. We argued, sometimes as a sport, and mostly because he really wanted me to say he was right - and sometimes I wouldn't give in! LOL But at the end of the day, I knew he wasn't going anywhere. That regardless of our differing views at times, we were partners in life. 

And one bag in the middle of a long weekend of reorganizing my new life as a solo partner, brought all those memories and moments back. 

If I let myself, I could get so stuck in the grief. I am a very visual person, so changing a lot of things in the house - has been a priority. I knew I would never want to move on if I didn't to some extent embrace the change. I didn't remove him from it, but I altered things enough that I could function without the constant interruption of grief. I had too. I sat down next to him and neglected myself for over three years. My body was screaming for me to fix it and all I could do was say "not now, wait, your time will come." I couldn't allow myself any more time physically or I was going to end up like Chad.  I am fighting to get healthier and fighting to live now - for both of us. He waited to care about his health until it was too late. Until he got cancer, trying to be healthy to live longer was never on his radar. Once he got his diagnosis then he wanted to live longer. Then he cared. I have learned from him - I can't wait. I have to choose health and choose me as a priority now. And in the middle of that choice, I got a reminder today, of what life looks like when you don't make that choice. 

Do over

I'm watching a TV show where the main character lives one life, then during a one month coma - she relives a couple of years of her life, starting 10 years prior. She is able to change her destiny and others during that coma. Of course, when she wakes up, she is back to the original reality. .... So now I'm about to start the third act of the show, where we find out how she is going to reconcile the original life with the better version that was not real. 

In a way, I feel I can relate to this. I feel like I lived life up to 2022. Then it is like my life fell into a coma, while Chad and I lived out his final years of life. I had a lot of time during those three years to think about what life would look like, alone. I had a lot of time to think about what I needed to do, once that time came. It is too early to tell if I will be able to correct all the things from my past (specifically health related and mental well being) but after 3 months, I finally am starting to get to the point I can try to reconcile my life that is, with the life that could see, but it was not yet real. 

 I don't know if any of this is making sense to you, the reader, or if it is translating, since you're not watching this show, or living the life that I've been living. But I just think it is interesting. It is making me think - if I had a real Do over - what would I change? How much of me, would be exactly the way I am right now regardless of the choices I made leading up to this point? How much of me do I want to change? I'm 52 and I think I still have time to save myself from complete self destruction, I was told tonight that I can. But I can't tell, am I on a ship that is sailing the wrong way, or am I on the titanic after it has hit the iceberg and I just don't realize it yet? 

 I don't really want a do over, I just want to be able to correct the course of my existing life. I want to be healthy mentally and emotionally so that I can become healthy physically. I need to figure out how to do this. I wish it weren't all brand new. I wish I could go back to 14 year old Tonya or even 24 year old Tonya and teach me then, how to eat healthy and to make choices that include movement. I can't go back in time, all I can do is try to go forward with this in mind. People say it is never too late to change. I hope they are right. I guess - time will tell. 

 

 

4 weeks down, the rest of my life to go

Monday will be the start of me going back to work. It has been 4 weeks since Dash passed away. I've had whirl wind of a month.

 

The numbness is wearing off and I'm a bit overwhelmed and a lot less ok with going back to work than I anticipated. 

 

Grief is crazy and stupid and as I face my future alone, I just want to go back in time. I would give anything to have more time with him. The time where he didn't have pain and he could still laugh and joke. The times when he still wanted to play games. But that is the past and to move on and be okay I have to look forward, not backwards. 

 

Sometimes that is harder than others. 

 

Dash - I miss you. I love you. Thank you for choosing to love me. I don't want to live life without you, and I know you didn't want me to have to either. I'm sorry you don't get to be here, babe. I'm still envious of you getting to go first. You always said I had the hard part. I didn't want to admit that, when you were here fighting for every moment you gave us, but you are right. This is hard. This hurts. This sucks. But I've made it 4 weeks and I'll make it another 4 and another 4 until there are no more. One day at a time. 

 4 weeks down, the rest of my life to go.  

Mrs. Dash to my Mr. T.

 We stopped treatment over a week ago now. We are in the final pages of our final chapter as Mrs. Dash and Mr. T. Dash has been such a trooper, determined to be the best patient that is possible. 

Turning the page. For three years we have been doing everything we can to keep him as healthy as possible as long as possible. Now that we are here, in the final days/weeks with a focus on comfort over curing, it is such a hard transition to make. Watching the person you love, who has been your rock for the better part of your life struggling to stand, to sit, to breathe. It is a nightmare. My heart is aching so much. 

 I thought with watching the way cancer attacked his body over time that I was prepared to hear the words - hospice care. I thought I was ready to encourage him to get the rest and peace he aptly deserves. We both knew that it would be difficult. We put it off as long as we possible could. Now we are here and it doesn't feel real. 

I feel like I can't breathe. 

 How do I go on?  

The link above is how I feel right at this moment and I wish I could I sing this to Dash right now (but he is sleeping/resting).  So I will just share this with the vast void of the internet. If there are still readers out there - I hope you never have to experience this pain, while knowing it is a real part of life, it is the worst part of life. Figuring out "How do I" without you...  

Chan-Man

 

Congratulations to Chan-Man who is now his own Mr. to a beautiful Mrs! 

The picture below is at his wedding a couple of weeks ago. 

Thankful that even in a bad moment, I was able to see good.

FROM AUGUST 28, 2025.... NOT POSTED UNTIL 1/3/2026. ... originally written in the spring of  2020. 

 This post is from 5 1/2 year ago. 2 1/2 years prior to Chad's diagnosis and a few months before my dad passed away. 

 ____________

My dad has cancer (again).  He was cancer-free for about a year and he's back in chemo.  I don't live close so I don't have a first or even a strong second-hand view up close of what this is like for him.

My admiration during this time goes to my mom.  She and I, well we don't agree on a lot of things.  I seem to bring out something in her that has a layer of anger always on simmer.  We are a lot a like, and maybe that is part of it too.

Even with our differences and struggles, I don't doubt her love.  I do think she doesn't like me much - sometimes.  But I believe she loves me.  I love her too.  We recently had a pretty emotional crap storm moment.  At the end, she said "we just move forward like this never happened".  For her and I that is the best solution because we can't reason things out and come to a consensus.  At least not on some things.

But that isn't what I wanted to blog about tonight.  I wanted to say that as my dad battles cancer, I'm glad he's not a lone and I recognize that they are doing this battle together.  My mom cared for him the last time and she's doing it again.  I admire her drive.  My mom is a get it done person.  A take care of it now person. She does that to the detriment of her own health at times.

I pray for God to give her strength and rest.  I am glad that God has blessed my mom with my dad and my dad with my mom.

_____________

-- Again, I didn't post it at that time. But in reading it tonight. I was struck with how through this time with Chad, how many times I have thought of my mom and how she cared for my dad. How he was never a lone and how she anticipated his needs. I have to say, while I would never pretend to be "Sherry" level care giver. I am thankful that I had a role model like her in my life and I'm thankful for the "Sherry" dna that is getting me through this.  

I will also say that God has blessed me with an improved relationship with my mom. Tonight I am Thankful for growth in both myself and others. 

Constant and Consistant - underrated virtues

This is a post - that I never published from 2 years ago. 

_____ 

A little over a year ago we found out that Chad has cancer. It is big, scary and very little we can do in our humanness to change that. There were treatments and plans and as each one was pursued, we adjusted to it. The one he is on now, is working longer than we expected. When he went on this medication, I remember saying, as I often do. "What if it doesn't work long." His reply was, as it always is "It will work until it doesn't." I would reply, "But then what?".  

Through our almost 30 years of marriage, I have never appreciated Chad's ability to be constant in all situations or his consistency as much as I have in seeing his approach to life, until death.I remember wondering how this would affect him, how would he choose to live out the end of his life? I might have been a bit frustrated at his response, because, if ever there is life changing information it is "you life expectancy is 'months'." But my husband, after careful thought and consideration and many opportunities to change his mind consistently says the same thing "I'm a Christian, I am living life the way I believe I'm supposed to be and I don't feel the need to change things." He chooses to still work, to a level that he is in the process of getting a promotion. He chooses to play games with me, even when he doesn't feel the greatest. He chooses to participate in small group and other social activities. He isn't changing. He isn't choosing to be different, he is constant. 

Constant and Consistent are comforting virtues. They make you realize how much you can trust and rely on that person. You know who they are because even being shook to the core and told you are dying, doesn't change who they are or how they operate in daily life. 

_____

With the exception that in the past year, Chad has been to tired to continue to play games and engage socially outside of work, he remains constant and consistent. He says he is "living past his expiration date".  Over these 3 years, we have turned 50 (now 52) celebrated 31 years of marriage, seen our daughter get married and start her life as a Mrs. Watched our son move away (again) and find his future bride. We will celebrate their new beginning together on Sept. 14, 2025. Chad will be able to attend. We continue to count our blessings and I continue to see the virtue in constant and consistent living. I have loved this man for over 33 years. I have had moments where his constant and consistent behavior was a thorn to me, and my desire to change things, but I see how in the right moment, at the right time - that unwavering attitude can bring comfort to chaos.

 

I'm not okay ... and that's okay

I'm not okay and that's okay. I don't have to smile or be happy all the time. Life is not always happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is a bunch of contradictions. 

 

Is it okay to smile when I'm sad? 

Is it okay to be sad when others want me to be happy? 

Is it okay to wish things were different? 

Is it okay to long for what isn't? 

Is it okay to live only in the moment?

Is it okay to miss the moment for all the noise that masks it?

Is it okay to not be okay?

It is okay to smile when others expect you to be sad.  

It is okay to to be okay with things as they are, good or bad.

It is okay to not want what isn't.

It is okay to be in the moment only and not think about tomorrow. 

It is okay to change. 

It is okay to stay the same. 

It is okay.

 

I'm not okay and that's okay. I don't have to smile or be happy all the time. Life is not always happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is a bunch of contradictions. 

 

Life Posts - stream of conscience writing - beware. :)

 Ok - I have not published anything in a while.  Here's the thing - the thing is - how do you put this down in writing?  I have spoken these words, but to write it.  It makes it feel more real. To respect the privacy of my husband, I will continue to call him Mr. T as some people jokingly called him in what now feels like a past life.  Over two decades ago we found our people, and even though we have moved and many of our people have too, this blog remains.  I don't think anyone even reads these any more!  But here I am, writing this with no expectations of return, just another post to the great void, the internet.  

Ok - I'm back - Mr. T.  That was where I veered.  Mr. T went to the emergency room a few months ago.  The short version, he thought he was having a heart attach.  The long version.  He has HCC (Liver Cancer).  We've had a few months to live with the diagnosis.  Treatment started (finally) a little over a month ago.  He has stage 3 liver cancer.  The good new is that even though it is large it is not currently in charge of his entire body. It has not spread.  There have been countless doctors, appointments, tests, labs.  It's is overwhelming to say the least.  It is almost like we have parallel lives happening.  One life, he has cancer, appointments, tests, treatments and the other - our daughter is getting married, we are both working full time, our son is buying a house and getting promoted and life continues.  The earth still spins.  Day becomes night, night becomes day.  

Here is where I put the note in that I'm SOOOOO thankful that we get to live parallel lives. That he is well enough to enjoy the kids at Christmas and fix dinner or go out to eat.  We can play card games with friends and if we didn't have the disruption of the appointments, losing his sick time and paid time off; very little has changed.  And yet it has changed.  

People say there are good days and bad days.  We are blessed and thankful that we haven't really seen bad at this point.  Yes, in context and perspective - we have good days and bad, but our bad days are so minor to what they could be, that we find ourselves focused on what they aren't not what they are.  

I know that a lot of what we are going through is not different from that of what people go through with any chronic illness.  People live with cancer, HIV, MS, heart problems, Parkinson's, and so many more things.  This is not a post asking for pity or even implying that we somehow have it worse than others.  It is just a post to say that today - I feel it.  I feel sad that my husband has cancer.  I know the doctors are optimistic and that we have not been given news that implies we should expect anything less than a positive outcome.  But today, that doesn't matter. Today, I feel sad.  I feel the impact that he has had on my life and I feel strength that he has been for me for so long and I feel the vast inability to be that strength for him.  I feel so lost.  I feel so unprepared to be the one who nurtures and cares for him.  I have been loved and cared for and babied my entire adult life by this man and today I realize just how much I have lacked in reciprocating that strength.  I have not enabled him to be a person who sometimes just needs the comfort of someone else.  I have not enabled him to need. 

Today, I was able to be support - a little bit.  In a very minor way.  I am learning.  He is learning.  It is not easy to allow oneself to be vulnerable.  He is not good at that, which is why he is better at being the strong one.  As the scales balance out more and we both learn to grown in this unfortunate way.  My super hero of a husband remains my ride or die.  I saw a friends post on Facebook about cancer. How the treatments often tear families apart and how so many marriages end in divorce.  I'm saddened  by that post because this is the most difficult thing we have ever gone through as a couple.  It is harder than debt, harder than job losses, harder than having different life goals and learning to realign.  It is tough and yet - it isn't.  It is what you do.  You love one another, you take care of each other.  

I have had the song "you're still the one" running through my mind all day.  I can not imagine one day in my life where this song is not 100% accurate.  Mr. T is still the one and I hope and pray we have many more years together, in good times; in bad time; in sickness; and in health  

YOU'RE STILL THE ONE

Graduate 2020

 

After years of only having an Associates degree in Management and Marketing,  I finally completed my Bachelors of Science in Accounting.  I am proud of my accomplishment.  I am realistic that it isn't a major award or some tremendous accomplishment compared to most people, but it feels good.  I have felt like I was limited by not completing my bachelors years ago and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to have this experience at this point in my life. It was work, I'm not an academically minded person, but I genuinely enjoyed learning and growing as a person through the experience.  I am not sure what my future holds but I'm happy that I achieved this.

Here I go again

Warning - if you're looking for a nice healthy blog  -  this is not the one to read!  Skip along!

Ok, if you are still reading, you've been warned! ;)

Health.  As an extremely obese person, I don't talk much about health.  I shy away from it because it's obvious I'm not the picture of health. This is certainly and sadly not limited to my physical status.  But recently my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  It's been an adjustment for him, and for me, it's been a smack in the face.  Because I've been type 2 diabetic for a while now and I'm on a lot of insulin because I don't control my diet, I have a lifestyle of almost no activity and I've done nothing to change this.

After my son's diagnosis, I felt guilty for not doing more.  I had been wanting to do something, but with work and school, I gave myself an out and thought, maybe next year, when I'm done with school.  Then I saw that I had access through my benefits program for Virta Health. It is a keto diet program, monitored by doctors. 

So, after weeks of tests and training, today I start on the Virta program.  I am doing this because there is nothing my son can do to change his diagnosis, but he still purposefully is making healthy choices and doing his best to adapt.  I don't want to have him resent me for having the ability to change and not doing it.  I'm doing this because I'm still ashamed of myself and I want to be proud of myself. I'm doing this because I want to live a long life and I won't if I don't stop my self-sabotage now.

Here is where the really unhealthy talking starts --- run away!  :)

I need to break up with Carbs.  I have an unhealthy love with carbohydrates and sugars and that's why I've not made changes until now.  So - here is my breakup letter to carbs. (This is not part of the program, just something I need to do for me).

Carbs,
I appreciate how you've been there for me all these years. You have looked pretty and tasted wonderful.  You're so versatile too. You can go anywhere and fit right in!  It's been great.  I mean, we've had some awesome times.  Unfortunately, I can't see you anymore.  I'm at a point in my life I need to do things on my own.  I need to be happy and celebrate without you.  I need to feel sad and know it's ok without you comforting me.  I need to find out who I am, without you.  It really isn't you, it's me.  You're great!  There are so many others out there for you that you are a good fit for.  I just can't keep doing this, I'm not healthy when I'm with you.  Thanks for understanding, you're awesome that way, so I knew you would.  Love, T

Reader, if you are still there, I know I'm being silly, but sometimes life calls for it.  I have an addictive personality.  So much that I knew if the program made me give up carbs and diet coke I'd struggle. (Thank you, Lord, I get to keep the soda, for now!)  Maybe I'll kick bad habits/addictions by getting healthier and I admire those who have the mental ability to do things in moderation and hear the voice in their head say stop and they do!  That is amazing!  I'm still not sure why I'm broken in that way?  The good news is even though I've tried things before this, I'm not giving up on me.  I'm not giving in to a destiny of death.  I choose to work, to overcome and I choose me.

I don't want my children to ever look at my life and think that I've wasted it. I want them to see growth and change and me never giving up.  I know they see the imperfection, I pray they see the willingness to move towards better life choices, in all areas of my life.

Anyone still reading, know that it is my prayer, that you never give up on YOU!  Love, T

What - or who - is standing in your way?

Over the years I've spent a lot of time telling my kids they could do or be whatever they want. That ultimately the people who want something bad enough - make it happen.  I've been a firm believer of that too!

So I guess the title is a little misleading.

Last year about this time I had an epiphany.  I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I was the person holding me back and standing in my way.  While life circumstances certainly contribute, I was the only reason I had not completed my bachelors degree.  So, I went online and researched, found a school I could afford and now I'm about done with year 1 of 2 years to complete an Accounting degree.  Because I decided to not just go for 1 to 1/2 years and complete the management degree, but to go and complete the Accounting degree that I always said I wish I had, but never got.

It's tough.  A lot tougher than I expected.  I didn't realize how much my reading comprehension issues played a part in my quitting school the first time. I've struggled with every class, but with every class I gain confidence too.  In the process I also received a bump at work, where they recognized I can do more and they are letting me, so I am truly a manager, even hired my first employee - start to finish, by myself!  I think that has a lot to do with me going back to school for my bachelors degree and having more confidence in who I am.

It's hard to explain, but I'll try.

Basically - once I let go of all my inner reasons (some valid, some excuses) to not pursue my degree it was like I broke down this wall of inferiority and I pushed through holding onto my lack of self confidence as a security blanket.  To achieve a degree and essentially learn how to learn again - at 45 - well, there is no room for "I can't or what ifs".  I have to channel my inner yoda and "do or do not".

If anyone reading this is considering what's next in their life (which I seem to find we have crossroads more frequently than most would like to admit) and you're not sure if you should take the leap,  I ask - who or what is standing in your way?

If you're a couple, you may have to do some decision making processes together.  I had to acknowledge that our home life would change and I couldn't do FT work, school, and household management.  Thankfully I had a husband who supported me and was in a place in his life that he could rearrange things and take on cooking, grocery store runs, and managing the cleaning so I can have study time carved out and we can still have some down time too.  I'm getting the degree, but I couldn't have done this without his support.  He helped me remove some of the things that were standing in my way, once I was able to identify what they were.

If you're reading this, know that anything you want you can achieve, you just have to find your path to it.  Sometimes it is a paved path (right out of high school continuing to college); sometimes a dirt path just off a bit; and sometimes you're in the middle of the forest hoping you're heading the right direction from what little sun you can catch through the trees.  It maybe hard, but sometimes the things we need to do are.

At some point your lack of choosing becomes your choice.

Processing

Well, a lot of life changes since I last wrote.  I'm back in school finishing my bachelor's degree in Accounting.  I have 2 years to complete it and I started in April. I'm getting my degree through Western Governors University. It is an online school  The program is really good.  I'm hitting some roadblocks as I'm beginning to understand/believe that I have a form of dyslexia.  I have several challenges that have helped me to self-identify.  I have found some online help. 
I'm not sure if I'll proceed with getting a formal diagnosis or not.  If I can get through my work without needing special accommodations, then I'll probably just manage the way I am.  I do wish my kids would see Drs. I think they both show signs of this and it may be the reason that Nicky struggled in school.  But I doubt that they will. 

Speaking of kids, Chandler graduated high school. He's completing his Associate's degree this year at the local community college.  He's doing great.  We're very proud of him, the work he's doing and the focus he has on his future.

Free Style Writing

I am starting a Business Strategy class and the first lesson I had was on freestyle writing to come up with themes and ideas.  It reminded me of my blog, as I've always said that was what I was doing here.

Often I find myself on here when I'm feeling melancholy.  When I'm trying to figure something out.  I don't always find the answers, but sometimes after writing things down, I feel better, or my mind is calmed enough I can go ahead and go to sleep after.  I guess that is probably what I'm hoping for tonight.

Sometimes life is hard.  Then you come out of the hardship and you think to yourself "whew, we made it through that".  Only to find yourself in the deep end of heartbreak from more hardship.

I'm in the deep in of difficulty.

My dad has cancer, didn't tell us for a while. Now we know, but he's sick. They are doing treatment and they aren't anywhere (to our knowledge) near saying 'end of life/life expectancy' stuff so, I'm praying for him. He's believing in healing and going to start radiation and maybe even have surgery soon.

This is a difficult time.

N has been sick too.  She puts up so many parameters up on what I can share or say or not say to people or things I can or can't do with her and our relationship.  She doesn't trust me and while I keep trying to earn that trust back, I'm overwhelmed by the emotions of just wanting to be her mom, to hold her in my arms love her and tell her everything will be okay - but she pulls away.  She has her reasons for not trusting me.  I understand, she was hurt and I was close by and didn't know it and I wasn't there for her the way she needed me to be.  I just found out not long ago and I'm devastated.  I get why she is punishing me and has for so long, I get the lack of trust.  But I hurt for her.  I hurt for her because of her physical pain and her emotional pain.  But now, she's moving on and starting to heal and making decisions that I don't agree with, that I never thought she would do and I'm at a loss because I don't have permission to be in her life in the way a mom should be there.  I have to tiptoe and only say/do the things I'm permitted to say/do.  I want to help her.  I want to celebrate her life with her. I want to be excited when she's excited and I want to hurt with her when she's hurting.  I am overwhelmed that I don't get to have that with her.

This is a painful time.

Dash and I are trying to help one another through the mind field of relationships with N and trying to still be there for CS while he's developing into an adult and trying to encourage one another and well --- that last part is tough because we don't agree sometimes and we don't see things the same and we'll be ok and then we just aren't because we are on opposite sides of a solution.  Which then makes the solution a problem and you just cycle back.

This is a challenging time.

I am so glad I am in school so I have some reprieve when I have to think about school, I can't think or dwell on everything else.  But school brings its own dilemmas as I'm being stretched and realizing that at 45, going back to school is not easy.  I don't know things and I'm relearning things and I'm learning how to learn again.  It's tough.  It's not for the weak.  Sometimes my brain just hurts.

This is a time of mixed feelings.

Sometimes I feel lost.  Tonight, I feel lost.  I hurt for my dad.  I ache for my daughter.  I cry at what is a very challenging time for my marriage, I'm neither happy or sad but overwhelmed with school.

This is a time of life that is not great. I know that I'll reach the other side.  I know that I'll get through this too.  I'm at peace during this feeling like if I keep moving I'll eventually get through the woods.  I'm just not sure what the other side of the woods looks like.  I thought life got easier not harder as you get older.  I mean, you're supposed to grow, have more wisdom, have more answers...but all you have are the answers to the things from the past and rarely do we repeat our past.  We have new things.  I'm a mess.  I'm a mess and I don't know how to get through it but I'm going to trust God to shine a light and keep me headed in the right direction. I may stumble and I may trip up and I may get to the other side and it may look very different than I imagined.  But I know I can do this.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sin Vocabulary

We've recently been challenged to think about what we label mistakes or poor choices and identify sin....

I've been in church, reading my Bible etc but still lately I've slipped back into using profanity.  I asked a question --- Doesn't the Bible specify that taking the Lord's name in vain is the sin and beyond that it is a charater flaw, not a sin?

I was told that profanity is a sin and that it is based on culture and what is acceptable or not in our culture that defines it...so the "f" word in europe is perfectly acceptable and not vulgar, but here it is not... same application to hand gestures.

Do you agree?  Do you believe that culture can define sin?

I am still not sure if I do (but maybe I'm trying to justify my own actions?)  I didn't think I was, I thought I had this "figured out".  Now I am confused! 

I need analytical process people who know the Word to help me with one (Shakedust/Golden) :) 

I think you may be my only readers at this point ... but I would still call you out! lol

Help!  thoughts?

Seasons of life - changes - and other random thoughts

I'm getting ready to make another change.  I have decided to leave my current job and move to a small company.  Ultimately the decision was made because I am tired of working with someone who always brings me down.  I need to happier people in my life and people who aren't always trying to make my life difficult. 

So - I found a new job.

Chandler is finishing his last semester of high school.  He is also completing year 1 of his Associates Degree.  He is still living at home and while we're close to being an empty nest - we're not there yet. 

Life Group/Sunday School/Workers - again

Chad and I are officially in ministry again.  We're on the prayer team (yes, that team that only old people are invited to join!) :)  We're also starting a Life Group.  It's specifically a "part 2" of a group called Starting Point.  Starting Point is a class that our church offers and they use Andy Stanley curriculum.  It is great for new Christians, but I'm excietd because it also lights a fire and brings back excitement for us older Christians too!  The program that Chad and I will be doing starting next quarter is called Sharing Point.  It takes a video clips from the Bible Project and gives the class opportunity to learn more Bible while emphasizing the importance of iron sharpening iron.  The concept is to take the newer believers and Christians who want to grow more to a new level without throwing them into the deep end off the high dive before they've had a swimming lesson! :)  It was birthed out of a passion for discipleship for Christians who don't have Sunday School as an option and who aren't familiar with life groups and don't have a comfort level with them yet.  Basically, the idea is to make sure that for 8 weeks the people who finished Starting Point have another place to meet, continue to grow and a step to learn about how Life Groups work and become comfortable with participating in them. 

Timing is everything.  I'm trusting God with my new job, for my replacement in the old job, for guidance and wisdom in the new group and I'm looking forward to a new year. 

I am also 75% sure that in April I will go back to school and start working on an Accounting degree, at least that is the current plan. 

I need to make changes in health too - as usual.  I still have no clue what or how to do that.   But I see God's hand at work in so many things in my life.  In every aspect.  This past year, with the exeption of Student Loans we became debt free.  That was not easy.  We worked really hard for several years to pay off debt.  If only I could apply that same discipline to my eating and exercise habits. 

Maybe I will. 

Guess that's all for now.  Thanks for reading!  :) Goodnight. 

No More Words

I have tried to write about so many things this year.  But the words have left me.  I can't put into words the thoughts/feelings surrounding the death of Chad's dad.  The changes Chandler and Nicky are experiencing in life with work and growing into adulthood.  My own work/life balance and deciding to change jobs with the new year.  

I want to share, but I don't know where to start or what really anyone would want to hear?  Maybe that is it more than anything else.  

Even now, nothing. 

movies

four movies. On my computer sets 4 movies. They are not in our movie collection "where they belong" according to my husband. They are on top of my computer. These are the movies I like to quote the most, the movies that when I'm balancing the checkbook, paying a bill, or blogging - I like to have on in the background. Some people like music, I find comfort in these movies. They are all modern, as I am not yet a fan of old movies. Maybe someday? Which one I would pick over another depends on the mood I'm in, do I want mostly music with a love story theme? Do I want romantic where the setting is character as well as the people? Do I want action with a dash of romance? Or do I just want to observe people having fun playing games with each other that happen to fall into love in the process? :)

Four go to movies.... 1, 2, 3, 4.

If you had 4 "go to" movies what would they be, and why?

My facebook post took on its own life!

So I made it a blog! :)

I liked research papers when I was young, but that was when it was "work" you had to go to a library, read books, do searches. I enjoyed going to the college library for my English reports when I was in high school and looking things up on Microfiche! That was pretty cool. I loved how you could soom through the film! :) Even though my grammar was (and is) not the greatest, I still loved writing a good intro, body, and conclusion. There was something satisfying about it. Sometimes I miss those days. Then I just think of how many times I say "okay google" and I get random information spoken to me from my phone (That isn't just the local time and temperature!) We've come a long way and I am both a product of my past and present!