Learning to love me

For the first time in decades - maybe ever - I have no one else to prioritize. No one else to think of first. No husband. No little kids that rely on you. I have spent so many years struggling with not liking who I was as a person. Always seeing the negative in me, focusing on that. Telling my kids to not be like me. Apologizing for so many behaviors that were in my DNA but created difficulty and shame. Whether it was depression or bouts of anger. Anger, that is a hard one. It is ok to be angry. I knew  that. I will even say my frustration was not always unwarranted. But not knowing how to handle that, always ended up negating if it was justified or not. Because I would feel ashamed of the choices I made when I was angry and then I would spiral. 

I truly hated who I was. I wanted to be anyone but me for so much of my life. 

I finally, was able to go to therapy and get help with the inappropriate behaviors. I finally learned how to have an ounce of self-esteem. I finally learned how to be ok to make better choices. But I still didn't "like" me. Especially when I had a set back and the old me popped back up. This took so much mental energy for me to get to a point where I could accept myself, for who I was and for me to give myself grace. But Boy that was hard. I was already almost 50 by that time. 

 Then Chad got sick. and life shifted. I was just starting to become okay with who I was, but I still didn't know how to love me. I knew how to accept his love. That was the only thing that got me through the years of adulthood. He took so much crap (yes he gave some too - he wasn't a saint! ;)) But he was "better" than me and loved me, he still chose me when I was ugly inside and out. He showed up and showed me grace. And he encourage me, because he wanted me to like myself. But I just couldn't do it. And then I finally accepted myself and had to shelve that progress. I didn't loose it all - but I didn't get to move the needle forward either. 

Now, I'm alone. I have no one else to take my attention away from the woman in the mirror. And I want to move from acceptance to to love. But that is still difficult. 

 Someone the other day made a reference that I'm 53, I know what I like or don't like. And they truly believed that and said it like it was a no brainer. Meanwhile I realize, I do not have a full idea of what I like or not. What I liked was making sure others were happy. Making sure that their needs were met. Making sure I had time with them. I have figured out that because quality time is my number 1 love language - I gave up so fast on anything that I would consider, if Chad hinted that he wasn't interested. I didn't want to choose something that took my time from him. Which was not healthy. But by the time I figured that out, life was so cemented into routine and turning that around on a dime is impossible when it is no longer just your dna, but it is the dna of your marriage. 

I say all this to say - that I'm getting to know me now. I am figuring out that when I am not focused on saving my time for someone else, that I have time to think about things and really determine if it is something that I like or not. 

I don't regret my marriage. I don't regret the years that we had. While I know he put up with the immature me, he also loved me as I learned to mature and he supported me becoming healthier. He tried over the years to get me to like things. He was always trying to put things in front of me to see if something would stick (DND did - go figure! LOL). But until now. This time in my life. Being forced to make me a priority, I really get to see that I'm truly not that bad! I don't know that I "love" me yet. I am starting to like me and I am even starting to figure out things beyond work and "family time" what I like. 

I wish Chad could have had this side of me. I wish the years he put into loving me unconditionally trying to love me enough for the both of us, that he could see that I can finally can look in the mirror. I can finally say. "I accept myself as I am." I can finally release the shame and guilt and give myself some grace. I will always love him for helping me to this point. I wish - we could have continued to grow and change and mature together. But I'm so grateful that I know part of what got me here was loving that man, who when I couldn't love me- he did his best to love me, the best he could for the both of us. 

Wow - and Weird

 Today, I am organizing my new master closet! I have never had more than a couple shelves in our large walk-in closet because when we moved in, the previous owners had removed and taken all the shelving units. 

 I am super excited for all the storage space and things I'm able to have in there now! 

But the wow and weird moment came when I was grabbing a bag that had been shoved in a corner of the closet almost 2 years ago and I realized it was still packed. Chad and I had gone on what became our last trip together (with the exception of Chandler's wedding). We went to Canada, a small town just across the MI border. He was showing signs of his health being worse, but he was mostly "stable" we were almost two years into the diagnosis. The trip was the worst one we ever had. He slept the entire time, except to wake up to eat. We played one game - kind of - but we ended it before it was over because of how he felt. We tried to watch movies, but he kept falling asleep. 

We knew he would sleep a lot. But we had picked a spot that we were told was walking distance to a beach. I thought I would hang out on the beach. I even bought a beach canopy with the intention of hoping to get Chad there some too - but the plan was he would relax mostly at the cabin and I would relax at the beach, where I could easily check on him. Unfortunately the "beach" was a rock/stone beach that was about 6' wide and there was a drop off you had to climb down to even get to it. Between that and how sick was getting, I couldn't leave this "house" that we were in, in the middle of small town CA. I felt so stuck, so alone. It was hands down the worst trip I ever experienced. As he slept, I kept thinking at least at home I could be comfortable, in my own house. And I kept focusing on how alone I would soon be. How we were never going to get another trip. How we had already experienced our last good trip/good memories for our anniversary. It was so awful. I spent hours on the phone crying to my sister about how bad things were with Chad. How the labs were still "stable" but he was so uncomfortable and in so much pain. I could tell it was worse, even though the doctors couldn't yet. It took MONTHS for the doctors to catch up and realize that his cancer has spread from his liver to his shoulder and that was what was causing the pain. By the time they did, we had already gone through one round of radiation for his liver (right after the trip) and then were scheduled for a second one to "help with pain in his shoulder". Which it did not succeed at doing.  

But months after he has passed away, after I have gone through a lot of "his stuff", mostly, not all yet. In the middle of this closet reorg I find a glaring symbol of what life was like in the middle of it all. I came back so exhausted, so depressed, so concerned for his health, as he pointed out that the 45 min road trip, was a bit much for him to handle - so I knew other than Drs. appoints, we were going nowhere until he passed. I knew it was the end of an era that we were headed into the abyss (and I was right, that last 14 months were so hard for him, and by extension, for me).  That I tossed this bag in a corner and kept piling things on it for 2 years. I never saw it or noticed it after we got back. I didn't register that I hadn't unpacked it. It was the bag I had been happiest to pack, and the bag that never got opened - until today. Literally - it stayed in the back of the vehicle on the trip. We didn't even carry it inside. 

I knew that one day I would think back to that trip. That as bad as it was, he was still here, kind of, and even miss that version of him. Obviously I miss the pre-cancer version the most. But I miss him just being in the house. Just his existence, even when sick, was comforting. I hated how I couldn't bring comfort to him. I hated that he was in pain that would not cease. But right up until the end, he brought that comfort to me. That steady consistency that no matter what, he loved me, even when he didn't fully understand me. We argued, sometimes as a sport, and mostly because he really wanted me to say he was right - and sometimes I wouldn't give in! LOL But at the end of the day, I knew he wasn't going anywhere. That regardless of our differing views at times, we were partners in life. 

And one bag in the middle of a long weekend of reorganizing my new life as a solo partner, brought all those memories and moments back. 

If I let myself, I could get so stuck in the grief. I am a very visual person, so changing a lot of things in the house - has been a priority. I knew I would never want to move on if I didn't to some extent embrace the change. I didn't remove him from it, but I altered things enough that I could function without the constant interruption of grief. I had too. I sat down next to him and neglected myself for over three years. My body was screaming for me to fix it and all I could do was say "not now, wait, your time will come." I couldn't allow myself any more time physically or I was going to end up like Chad.  I am fighting to get healthier and fighting to live now - for both of us. He waited to care about his health until it was too late. Until he got cancer, trying to be healthy to live longer was never on his radar. Once he got his diagnosis then he wanted to live longer. Then he cared. I have learned from him - I can't wait. I have to choose health and choose me as a priority now. And in the middle of that choice, I got a reminder today, of what life looks like when you don't make that choice. 

Do over

I'm watching a TV show where the main character lives one life, then during a one month coma - she relives a couple of years of her life, starting 10 years prior. She is able to change her destiny and others during that coma. Of course, when she wakes up, she is back to the original reality. .... So now I'm about to start the third act of the show, where we find out how she is going to reconcile the original life with the better version that was not real. 

In a way, I feel I can relate to this. I feel like I lived life up to 2022. Then it is like my life fell into a coma, while Chad and I lived out his final years of life. I had a lot of time during those three years to think about what life would look like, alone. I had a lot of time to think about what I needed to do, once that time came. It is too early to tell if I will be able to correct all the things from my past (specifically health related and mental well being) but after 3 months, I finally am starting to get to the point I can try to reconcile my life that is, with the life that could see, but it was not yet real. 

 I don't know if any of this is making sense to you, the reader, or if it is translating, since you're not watching this show, or living the life that I've been living. But I just think it is interesting. It is making me think - if I had a real Do over - what would I change? How much of me, would be exactly the way I am right now regardless of the choices I made leading up to this point? How much of me do I want to change? I'm 52 and I think I still have time to save myself from complete self destruction, I was told tonight that I can. But I can't tell, am I on a ship that is sailing the wrong way, or am I on the titanic after it has hit the iceberg and I just don't realize it yet? 

 I don't really want a do over, I just want to be able to correct the course of my existing life. I want to be healthy mentally and emotionally so that I can become healthy physically. I need to figure out how to do this. I wish it weren't all brand new. I wish I could go back to 14 year old Tonya or even 24 year old Tonya and teach me then, how to eat healthy and to make choices that include movement. I can't go back in time, all I can do is try to go forward with this in mind. People say it is never too late to change. I hope they are right. I guess - time will tell. 

 

 

4 weeks down, the rest of my life to go

Monday will be the start of me going back to work. It has been 4 weeks since Dash passed away. I've had whirl wind of a month.

 

The numbness is wearing off and I'm a bit overwhelmed and a lot less ok with going back to work than I anticipated. 

 

Grief is crazy and stupid and as I face my future alone, I just want to go back in time. I would give anything to have more time with him. The time where he didn't have pain and he could still laugh and joke. The times when he still wanted to play games. But that is the past and to move on and be okay I have to look forward, not backwards. 

 

Sometimes that is harder than others. 

 

Dash - I miss you. I love you. Thank you for choosing to love me. I don't want to live life without you, and I know you didn't want me to have to either. I'm sorry you don't get to be here, babe. I'm still envious of you getting to go first. You always said I had the hard part. I didn't want to admit that, when you were here fighting for every moment you gave us, but you are right. This is hard. This hurts. This sucks. But I've made it 4 weeks and I'll make it another 4 and another 4 until there are no more. One day at a time. 

 4 weeks down, the rest of my life to go.  

Mrs. Dash to my Mr. T.

 We stopped treatment over a week ago now. We are in the final pages of our final chapter as Mrs. Dash and Mr. T. Dash has been such a trooper, determined to be the best patient that is possible. 

Turning the page. For three years we have been doing everything we can to keep him as healthy as possible as long as possible. Now that we are here, in the final days/weeks with a focus on comfort over curing, it is such a hard transition to make. Watching the person you love, who has been your rock for the better part of your life struggling to stand, to sit, to breathe. It is a nightmare. My heart is aching so much. 

 I thought with watching the way cancer attacked his body over time that I was prepared to hear the words - hospice care. I thought I was ready to encourage him to get the rest and peace he aptly deserves. We both knew that it would be difficult. We put it off as long as we possible could. Now we are here and it doesn't feel real. 

I feel like I can't breathe. 

 How do I go on?  

The link above is how I feel right at this moment and I wish I could I sing this to Dash right now (but he is sleeping/resting).  So I will just share this with the vast void of the internet. If there are still readers out there - I hope you never have to experience this pain, while knowing it is a real part of life, it is the worst part of life. Figuring out "How do I" without you...  

Chan-Man

 

Congratulations to Chan-Man who is now his own Mr. to a beautiful Mrs! 

The picture below is at his wedding a couple of weeks ago. 

Thankful that even in a bad moment, I was able to see good.

FROM AUGUST 28, 2025.... NOT POSTED UNTIL 1/3/2026. ... originally written in the spring of  2020. 

 This post is from 5 1/2 year ago. 2 1/2 years prior to Chad's diagnosis and a few months before my dad passed away. 

 ____________

My dad has cancer (again).  He was cancer-free for about a year and he's back in chemo.  I don't live close so I don't have a first or even a strong second-hand view up close of what this is like for him.

My admiration during this time goes to my mom.  She and I, well we don't agree on a lot of things.  I seem to bring out something in her that has a layer of anger always on simmer.  We are a lot a like, and maybe that is part of it too.

Even with our differences and struggles, I don't doubt her love.  I do think she doesn't like me much - sometimes.  But I believe she loves me.  I love her too.  We recently had a pretty emotional crap storm moment.  At the end, she said "we just move forward like this never happened".  For her and I that is the best solution because we can't reason things out and come to a consensus.  At least not on some things.

But that isn't what I wanted to blog about tonight.  I wanted to say that as my dad battles cancer, I'm glad he's not a lone and I recognize that they are doing this battle together.  My mom cared for him the last time and she's doing it again.  I admire her drive.  My mom is a get it done person.  A take care of it now person. She does that to the detriment of her own health at times.

I pray for God to give her strength and rest.  I am glad that God has blessed my mom with my dad and my dad with my mom.

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-- Again, I didn't post it at that time. But in reading it tonight. I was struck with how through this time with Chad, how many times I have thought of my mom and how she cared for my dad. How he was never a lone and how she anticipated his needs. I have to say, while I would never pretend to be "Sherry" level care giver. I am thankful that I had a role model like her in my life and I'm thankful for the "Sherry" dna that is getting me through this.  

I will also say that God has blessed me with an improved relationship with my mom. Tonight I am Thankful for growth in both myself and others. 

Constant and Consistant - underrated virtues

This is a post - that I never published from 2 years ago. 

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A little over a year ago we found out that Chad has cancer. It is big, scary and very little we can do in our humanness to change that. There were treatments and plans and as each one was pursued, we adjusted to it. The one he is on now, is working longer than we expected. When he went on this medication, I remember saying, as I often do. "What if it doesn't work long." His reply was, as it always is "It will work until it doesn't." I would reply, "But then what?".  

Through our almost 30 years of marriage, I have never appreciated Chad's ability to be constant in all situations or his consistency as much as I have in seeing his approach to life, until death.I remember wondering how this would affect him, how would he choose to live out the end of his life? I might have been a bit frustrated at his response, because, if ever there is life changing information it is "you life expectancy is 'months'." But my husband, after careful thought and consideration and many opportunities to change his mind consistently says the same thing "I'm a Christian, I am living life the way I believe I'm supposed to be and I don't feel the need to change things." He chooses to still work, to a level that he is in the process of getting a promotion. He chooses to play games with me, even when he doesn't feel the greatest. He chooses to participate in small group and other social activities. He isn't changing. He isn't choosing to be different, he is constant. 

Constant and Consistent are comforting virtues. They make you realize how much you can trust and rely on that person. You know who they are because even being shook to the core and told you are dying, doesn't change who they are or how they operate in daily life. 

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With the exception that in the past year, Chad has been to tired to continue to play games and engage socially outside of work, he remains constant and consistent. He says he is "living past his expiration date".  Over these 3 years, we have turned 50 (now 52) celebrated 31 years of marriage, seen our daughter get married and start her life as a Mrs. Watched our son move away (again) and find his future bride. We will celebrate their new beginning together on Sept. 14, 2025. Chad will be able to attend. We continue to count our blessings and I continue to see the virtue in constant and consistent living. I have loved this man for over 33 years. I have had moments where his constant and consistent behavior was a thorn to me, and my desire to change things, but I see how in the right moment, at the right time - that unwavering attitude can bring comfort to chaos.

 

I'm not okay ... and that's okay

I'm not okay and that's okay. I don't have to smile or be happy all the time. Life is not always happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is a bunch of contradictions. 

 

Is it okay to smile when I'm sad? 

Is it okay to be sad when others want me to be happy? 

Is it okay to wish things were different? 

Is it okay to long for what isn't? 

Is it okay to live only in the moment?

Is it okay to miss the moment for all the noise that masks it?

Is it okay to not be okay?

It is okay to smile when others expect you to be sad.  

It is okay to to be okay with things as they are, good or bad.

It is okay to not want what isn't.

It is okay to be in the moment only and not think about tomorrow. 

It is okay to change. 

It is okay to stay the same. 

It is okay.

 

I'm not okay and that's okay. I don't have to smile or be happy all the time. Life is not always happy. Sometimes it is sad. Sometimes it is lonely. Sometimes it is confusing. Sometimes it is a bunch of contradictions.