Do over

I'm watching a TV show where the main character lives one life, then during a one month coma - she relives a couple of years of her life, starting 10 years prior. She is able to change her destiny and others during that coma. Of course, when she wakes up, she is back to the original reality. .... So now I'm about to start the third act of the show, where we find out how she is going to reconcile the original life with the better version that was not real. 

In a way, I feel I can relate to this. I feel like I lived life up to 2022. Then it is like my life fell into a coma, while Chad and I lived out his final years of life. I had a lot of time during those three years to think about what life would look like, alone. I had a lot of time to think about what I needed to do, once that time came. It is too early to tell if I will be able to correct all the things from my past (specifically health related and mental well being) but after 3 months, I finally am starting to get to the point I can try to reconcile my life that is, with the life that could see, but it was not yet real. 

 I don't know if any of this is making sense to you, the reader, or if it is translating, since you're not watching this show, or living the life that I've been living. But I just think it is interesting. It is making me think - if I had a real Do over - what would I change? How much of me, would be exactly the way I am right now regardless of the choices I made leading up to this point? How much of me do I want to change? I'm 52 and I think I still have time to save myself from complete self destruction, I was told tonight that I can. But I can't tell, am I on a ship that is sailing the wrong way, or am I on the titanic after it has hit the iceberg and I just don't realize it yet? 

 I don't really want a do over, I just want to be able to correct the course of my existing life. I want to be healthy mentally and emotionally so that I can become healthy physically. I need to figure out how to do this. I wish it weren't all brand new. I wish I could go back to 14 year old Tonya or even 24 year old Tonya and teach me then, how to eat healthy and to make choices that include movement. I can't go back in time, all I can do is try to go forward with this in mind. People say it is never too late to change. I hope they are right. I guess - time will tell.