Day 56

Keeping up with blogging has been harder than I thought it would be.  I am at a loss of what to post about sometimes.  I don't want it to just be about one particular part of my life. I don't want it to just be "hey everything's great" but I don't want to be negative either.  I want it to encompass the complete me.

I could write about many things that have been on my mind lately, but today, I'm picking something that is actually an embarrassing story to share.  Here's my reasons for picking this topic. I don't want to just note the good things and never share the bad.  If my kids someday (I doubt that they will) want to read my blogs to get a glimpse into "mom" I don't want it to just be one sided.

Today, I got a taste in my own life of what I feel the Bible verse "The things I don't want to do, I do" means for me. 

First, here is the reference: Romans 7:14 We know that the law is holy. But I am not. I have been sold to be a slave of sin. 15 I don’t understand what I do. I don’t do what I want to do. Instead, I do what I hate to do. 16 I do what I don’t want to do. So I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, I am no longer the one who does these things. It is sin living in me that does them. 18 I know there is nothing good in my sinful nature. I want to do what is good, but I can’t. 19 I don’t do the good things I want to do. I keep on doing the evil things I don’t want to do. 20 I do what I don’t want to do. But I am not really the one who is doing it. It is sin living in me. 

Most of my Bible "reading" I do in the van.  I listen to the Bible while I drive.  Then I sometimes go back over it when I'm at home or in a private place to think about things that stood out to me, I'll pause or stop to ponder on something specific or to ask God questions about what I'm learning.

So today, while I was driving, I was listening to the Bible.  Here's the embarrassing part, I got cut off by someone and I got angry.  Even though I was alone, I let myself show and even say somethings that were entirely inappropriate.  Which brings me to the writings of Paul above.

I was immediately convicted.  I couldn't believe I could get so angry/frustrated so fast and that I allowed myself to act on that anger while I was listening to the Bible.  Obviously, the Bible was not the priority at that time, nothing God related was at that moment.

As I sat there and prayed for forgiveness afterwards, I had to also ask God - "Why?"  "Why do I do the things I don't want to do?"  Why do I have to be quick triggered to frustration or anger?  It's not like I like myself at that moment.  I certainly am not thinking "good job Tonya, way to go, you go girl".  I'm immediately remorseful and yet, I still do it.

I'm not saying that my road rage is at all what Paul experienced.  But the concept is the same.  "The things I don't want to do, I do."