Ton of Bricks

So, I'm reading Beth Moore's book "So Long Insecurity". At least I think that's the name, I'm reading it on my e-reader and I never have been good about learning titles to books. But it's about insecurity and getting over it.

I just finished chapter 3.

Light bulb moment for me. 1. I have a "false positive". I have a "thing" that I have always thought (in the past) would make me secure. Would fix all my problems. --my weight. 2. I realize that looking back, how dumb was I? I mean...duh...I wasn't overweight until after I turned 18. But I have had my insecure friends along for the ride of my life as far back as I can remember.

Remember I told you I wrote a book..."Born Loser, Born again Winner". Yes, I focus on what God has done in my life. But as far back as I can remember I have felt that no matter what I do in life, I will never be good enough. I'll never weight the right amount. I'll never wear the right clothes, I'll never be smart enough. I'll never know enough scripture. I'll never know enough about scripture. I'll never be exactly what they want...in friendship, in marriage, in my family relationships, in work...oh boy in work. If ever there is a place that feeds my insecurities and reminds me on a daily basis that I don't measure up...it's work.

But in my mind, for years (until the past few) I kept thinking, I just need to weigh less and I'll feel good about myself and everything will be perfect. Perfect! Ha, what was I thinking?

The thing is, over the past few years, God has really been helping me become more secure, little by little. I've been gaining confidence in myself and who I am. Yes, some of that is because I'm studying more on my own the Bible and most of it's because I'm learning to listen to Him. I'm learning to hear that it's ok to be me. To be a work in progress. To make mistakes. To struggle. I just can't give up. This whole time, I put my weight out of my mind. I got to the point where I could look in the mirror and see me-the way I look for real. I wasn't seeing the haunting image of my past. The "perfect" one. I was seeing exactly what other people saw and I wasn't crying, avoiding eye contact or pretending I wasn't what I was.

God has told me over the past few months that He is healing me from the inside out, I didn't know what he meant, but I think I'm starting to get it now. He's helping me overcome my insecurities, so He can use me the way He desires too. I want to lose weight, but my identity is not tied up in that, I'm not waiting for that to happen to work on everything else.

That was my "ton of bricks" moment. I'm not insecure because of my weight, and that's not what is going to fix me! Only God can heal the hurts and thoughts and help me see what He created me to be and how beautiful I am to Him. The mirror isn't going to tell me that, Chad can't show me that, only God can.

Heal me from the inside out God! I'm ready!