Will I learn before it's too late?

Deep and personal, this is kind of a confessional, so read at your own risk! :)

I don't write about my weight much. I really don't talk about it much. I know people who love me -love me. So they feel obligated to tell me not to worry about it or that I'm loved in spite of it, or that I'm "beautiful" the way I am.

It's nice to know that people don't want you to not feel bad about yourself. They want to make you feel better, but the truth is...I don't need to feel good about myself (in this area). I NEED to feel bad about myself. If I accept who I am too much, then I will probably die at a younger age due to complications because of my weight. That IS my reality.

Reality sucks. (I should probably note here. I have not been to the doctor, I do not "feel bad" this isn't because of a medical scare. It's More because of the real possibility that I could have a medical scare at any moment that is worse or brought on because of me...choices I make every day.)

I choose to over eat. I've always tried to hide behind "I don't eat that much really". But the painful truth is, I don't eat good, healthy food that much really. I do over eat (based on what portions are supposed to be) candy and sweets.

I choose to be lazy -when it comes to excercise. Another thing I've hid behind. "I'm not lazy" "People think all fat people are lazy, I'm not." Well, I do work hard, and put 150% behind the things I do. The problem is, I'm not doing ANYTHING physically challenging. So, no-I'm not lazy in life overall, but I am lazy when it comes to getting off my butt and doing anything that would help me to lose my weight.

Fear of failure. I hide behind this too. I've always been great at failing. I wrote a book about it (literally). My greatest fear is not achieving my goals, not living up to my expectations. So, I set low goals or with my weight...no goals. Therefore, I do not fail.

I guess I'm writing this today to say...when will I learn? Will I go to my grave so obese it's embarrassing? Will I live my entire adult life not doing things that I really want to do (go to amusement parks, swim, hike, farm-for real) because of the weight limits or restrictions that I have because I'm fat?

It sucks to be so weak.

It sucks to be so good at something that will kill me.

I know it's true and I'm glad that I've found people who love in spite of myself, I just want to get better. I just don't want to continue to hide behind 1/2 truths that sound good but really aren't.

I need help. I need to be strong. I was doing good on weight watchers and then I backed off. I am doing it online, so there isn't outside accountability. I'm going to try again before I gain all the weight I lost back and because I need to lose so much more. I need to lose more weight than a lot of the potential readers of this blog actually weigh. It's going to be hard, I may fail...again...still. But I can't give up. I can't not try just because I fail. I can't lie and say it doesn't matter or I don't care. I do...and it does.

I hope I learn before it's too late. Pray for me...I need it. Thank you.