Growing

In a room with 10 women last week, I was the only one who answered that I'd rather write than talk when stressed! :) If you're reading this, chances are you already know that about me!

What you may not know is that It's taking me almost two weeks to start to grasp the answer to another question that came up in a study at church. "How is God pruning you? What areas is he stretching you to grow?" Typically that is something I have a pretty good handle on. So I was surprised that as I looked at the question I didn't have an answer. I think in some ways, it was because I was/am a mess right now. When you're in the middle of an emotional mess it's difficult to see what the purpose is.

I think the other reason is because I didn't know what to pick. I could look at all the factors but I couldn't find the common denominator (ok my love for numbers shows up in my love for writing...so sue me!).

In looking at all the variables, I just didn't see one thing that said "grow" to me. Usually I'm praying and seeking God and have a pretty good idea of what He is wanting from me in return, so it's been a little frustrating to not have an answer for that question. As we are learning about ourselves more in our Wednesday study, I know that not knowing was also driving me crazy because as a task oriented person, I want to finish the assignment, but I didn't have clarity.

I am starting to get some clarity last night and today. Growing. How am I growing? The common denominator in all the variables...Do. Assert. Be.

I was surprised at first. I'm not really the kind of person to sit back and not do. However, I realized in the past couple years as a church secretary, my personality has changed a bit. I have gotten so task oriented that I have held back on some ministry things that I think God wants me to DO. I have stayed quiet and tried to get others, whose natural ability is not to "assert" to assert for me so I would not offend anyone. I was trying to BE all things to all people, when God has only called me to BE me.

So, I took a couple steps and allowed myself this week to stretch out of my comfort zone. I invited strangers to my home for a small get together. They are parents of one of Nicky's friends and they do not have a home church right now. So I invited them to our home group for this week. I was shocked but pleased when they said yes. I allowed myself to DO what I felt God wanted me to do and I pray that Sunday night goes well.

I "asserted" myself. I have a particular person who when they are at church they like to pass things off to me. This person is different than most in that they come up to me every week with something and they stand over me and interupt pesonal conversations I'm having or prolong my time getting out the door with my family to talk for a long time about what they need from me. I do not have any days off during the week. I am paid to be at the church M-F 8:30 to 5. Wednesday nights, Sunday morning and Sunday nights I am there as a member of the church with my family. So, I asserted today. I called and explained that I am happy to help, but I want them to write me a note or an email, in the future. I explained that this will help me remember what they need and be focused on it when I get the information.

BE. This part I'm still working on. I know I need to be me. I also know that I've spent a long time trying to force who "me" is into an image that I think I need to be. I understand that there are boundries and limits and things that we need to respect. There are some things that we do because it's part of the job or part of parenting or part of being a spouse or a child even when it's not a "fun" thing to do. But in general, my goal is to be true to me. To not box me in so much that I lose who I am. I think I've done that some over the past couple years and I think to a degree I needed to do that but I also think that it's time for me to respect that God made me the way I am and that I'm here for a purpose. I want to be used by Him the way He desires not the way I think others expect me to be.