Life Posts - stream of conscience writing - beware. :)

 Ok - I have not published anything in a while.  Here's the thing - the thing is - how do you put this down in writing?  I have spoken these words, but to write it.  It makes it feel more real. To respect the privacy of my husband, I will continue to call him Mr. T as some people jokingly called him in what now feels like a past life.  Over two decades ago we found our people, and even though we have moved and many of our people have too, this blog remains.  I don't think anyone even reads these any more!  But here I am, writing this with no expectations of return, just another post to the great void, the internet.  

Ok - I'm back - Mr. T.  That was where I veered.  Mr. T went to the emergency room a few months ago.  The short version, he thought he was having a heart attach.  The long version.  He has HCC (Liver Cancer).  We've had a few months to live with the diagnosis.  Treatment started (finally) a little over a month ago.  He has stage 3 liver cancer.  The good new is that even though it is large it is not currently in charge of his entire body. It has not spread.  There have been countless doctors, appointments, tests, labs.  It's is overwhelming to say the least.  It is almost like we have parallel lives happening.  One life, he has cancer, appointments, tests, treatments and the other - our daughter is getting married, we are both working full time, our son is buying a house and getting promoted and life continues.  The earth still spins.  Day becomes night, night becomes day.  

Here is where I put the note in that I'm SOOOOO thankful that we get to live parallel lives. That he is well enough to enjoy the kids at Christmas and fix dinner or go out to eat.  We can play card games with friends and if we didn't have the disruption of the appointments, losing his sick time and paid time off; very little has changed.  And yet it has changed.  

People say there are good days and bad days.  We are blessed and thankful that we haven't really seen bad at this point.  Yes, in context and perspective - we have good days and bad, but our bad days are so minor to what they could be, that we find ourselves focused on what they aren't not what they are.  

I know that a lot of what we are going through is not different from that of what people go through with any chronic illness.  People live with cancer, HIV, MS, heart problems, Parkinson's, and so many more things.  This is not a post asking for pity or even implying that we somehow have it worse than others.  It is just a post to say that today - I feel it.  I feel sad that my husband has cancer.  I know the doctors are optimistic and that we have not been given news that implies we should expect anything less than a positive outcome.  But today, that doesn't matter. Today, I feel sad.  I feel the impact that he has had on my life and I feel strength that he has been for me for so long and I feel the vast inability to be that strength for him.  I feel so lost.  I feel so unprepared to be the one who nurtures and cares for him.  I have been loved and cared for and babied my entire adult life by this man and today I realize just how much I have lacked in reciprocating that strength.  I have not enabled him to be a person who sometimes just needs the comfort of someone else.  I have not enabled him to need. 

Today, I was able to be support - a little bit.  In a very minor way.  I am learning.  He is learning.  It is not easy to allow oneself to be vulnerable.  He is not good at that, which is why he is better at being the strong one.  As the scales balance out more and we both learn to grown in this unfortunate way.  My super hero of a husband remains my ride or die.  I saw a friends post on Facebook about cancer. How the treatments often tear families apart and how so many marriages end in divorce.  I'm saddened  by that post because this is the most difficult thing we have ever gone through as a couple.  It is harder than debt, harder than job losses, harder than having different life goals and learning to realign.  It is tough and yet - it isn't.  It is what you do.  You love one another, you take care of each other.  

I have had the song "you're still the one" running through my mind all day.  I can not imagine one day in my life where this song is not 100% accurate.  Mr. T is still the one and I hope and pray we have many more years together, in good times; in bad time; in sickness; and in health  

YOU'RE STILL THE ONE

Graduate 2020

 

After years of only having an Associates degree in Management and Marketing,  I finally completed my Bachelors of Science in Accounting.  I am proud of my accomplishment.  I am realistic that it isn't a major award or some tremendous accomplishment compared to most people, but it feels good.  I have felt like I was limited by not completing my bachelors years ago and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to have this experience at this point in my life. It was work, I'm not an academically minded person, but I genuinely enjoyed learning and growing as a person through the experience.  I am not sure what my future holds but I'm happy that I achieved this.

Here I go again

Warning - if you're looking for a nice healthy blog  -  this is not the one to read!  Skip along!

Ok, if you are still reading, you've been warned! ;)

Health.  As an extremely obese person, I don't talk much about health.  I shy away from it because it's obvious I'm not the picture of health. This is certainly and sadly not limited to my physical status.  But recently my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  It's been an adjustment for him, and for me, it's been a smack in the face.  Because I've been type 2 diabetic for a while now and I'm on a lot of insulin because I don't control my diet, I have a lifestyle of almost no activity and I've done nothing to change this.

After my son's diagnosis, I felt guilty for not doing more.  I had been wanting to do something, but with work and school, I gave myself an out and thought, maybe next year, when I'm done with school.  Then I saw that I had access through my benefits program for Virta Health. It is a keto diet program, monitored by doctors. 

So, after weeks of tests and training, today I start on the Virta program.  I am doing this because there is nothing my son can do to change his diagnosis, but he still purposefully is making healthy choices and doing his best to adapt.  I don't want to have him resent me for having the ability to change and not doing it.  I'm doing this because I'm still ashamed of myself and I want to be proud of myself. I'm doing this because I want to live a long life and I won't if I don't stop my self-sabotage now.

Here is where the really unhealthy talking starts --- run away!  :)

I need to break up with Carbs.  I have an unhealthy love with carbohydrates and sugars and that's why I've not made changes until now.  So - here is my breakup letter to carbs. (This is not part of the program, just something I need to do for me).

Carbs,
I appreciate how you've been there for me all these years. You have looked pretty and tasted wonderful.  You're so versatile too. You can go anywhere and fit right in!  It's been great.  I mean, we've had some awesome times.  Unfortunately, I can't see you anymore.  I'm at a point in my life I need to do things on my own.  I need to be happy and celebrate without you.  I need to feel sad and know it's ok without you comforting me.  I need to find out who I am, without you.  It really isn't you, it's me.  You're great!  There are so many others out there for you that you are a good fit for.  I just can't keep doing this, I'm not healthy when I'm with you.  Thanks for understanding, you're awesome that way, so I knew you would.  Love, T

Reader, if you are still there, I know I'm being silly, but sometimes life calls for it.  I have an addictive personality.  So much that I knew if the program made me give up carbs and diet coke I'd struggle. (Thank you, Lord, I get to keep the soda, for now!)  Maybe I'll kick bad habits/addictions by getting healthier and I admire those who have the mental ability to do things in moderation and hear the voice in their head say stop and they do!  That is amazing!  I'm still not sure why I'm broken in that way?  The good news is even though I've tried things before this, I'm not giving up on me.  I'm not giving in to a destiny of death.  I choose to work, to overcome and I choose me.

I don't want my children to ever look at my life and think that I've wasted it. I want them to see growth and change and me never giving up.  I know they see the imperfection, I pray they see the willingness to move towards better life choices, in all areas of my life.

Anyone still reading, know that it is my prayer, that you never give up on YOU!  Love, T

What - or who - is standing in your way?

Over the years I've spent a lot of time telling my kids they could do or be whatever they want. That ultimately the people who want something bad enough - make it happen.  I've been a firm believer of that too!

So I guess the title is a little misleading.

Last year about this time I had an epiphany.  I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I was the person holding me back and standing in my way.  While life circumstances certainly contribute, I was the only reason I had not completed my bachelors degree.  So, I went online and researched, found a school I could afford and now I'm about done with year 1 of 2 years to complete an Accounting degree.  Because I decided to not just go for 1 to 1/2 years and complete the management degree, but to go and complete the Accounting degree that I always said I wish I had, but never got.

It's tough.  A lot tougher than I expected.  I didn't realize how much my reading comprehension issues played a part in my quitting school the first time. I've struggled with every class, but with every class I gain confidence too.  In the process I also received a bump at work, where they recognized I can do more and they are letting me, so I am truly a manager, even hired my first employee - start to finish, by myself!  I think that has a lot to do with me going back to school for my bachelors degree and having more confidence in who I am.

It's hard to explain, but I'll try.

Basically - once I let go of all my inner reasons (some valid, some excuses) to not pursue my degree it was like I broke down this wall of inferiority and I pushed through holding onto my lack of self confidence as a security blanket.  To achieve a degree and essentially learn how to learn again - at 45 - well, there is no room for "I can't or what ifs".  I have to channel my inner yoda and "do or do not".

If anyone reading this is considering what's next in their life (which I seem to find we have crossroads more frequently than most would like to admit) and you're not sure if you should take the leap,  I ask - who or what is standing in your way?

If you're a couple, you may have to do some decision making processes together.  I had to acknowledge that our home life would change and I couldn't do FT work, school, and household management.  Thankfully I had a husband who supported me and was in a place in his life that he could rearrange things and take on cooking, grocery store runs, and managing the cleaning so I can have study time carved out and we can still have some down time too.  I'm getting the degree, but I couldn't have done this without his support.  He helped me remove some of the things that were standing in my way, once I was able to identify what they were.

If you're reading this, know that anything you want you can achieve, you just have to find your path to it.  Sometimes it is a paved path (right out of high school continuing to college); sometimes a dirt path just off a bit; and sometimes you're in the middle of the forest hoping you're heading the right direction from what little sun you can catch through the trees.  It maybe hard, but sometimes the things we need to do are.

At some point your lack of choosing becomes your choice.

Processing

Well, a lot of life changes since I last wrote.  I'm back in school finishing my bachelor's degree in Accounting.  I have 2 years to complete it and I started in April. I'm getting my degree through Western Governors University. It is an online school  The program is really good.  I'm hitting some roadblocks as I'm beginning to understand/believe that I have a form of dyslexia.  I have several challenges that have helped me to self-identify.  I have found some online help. 
I'm not sure if I'll proceed with getting a formal diagnosis or not.  If I can get through my work without needing special accommodations, then I'll probably just manage the way I am.  I do wish my kids would see Drs. I think they both show signs of this and it may be the reason that Nicky struggled in school.  But I doubt that they will. 

Speaking of kids, Chandler graduated high school. He's completing his Associate's degree this year at the local community college.  He's doing great.  We're very proud of him, the work he's doing and the focus he has on his future.

Free Style Writing

I am starting a Business Strategy class and the first lesson I had was on freestyle writing to come up with themes and ideas.  It reminded me of my blog, as I've always said that was what I was doing here.

Often I find myself on here when I'm feeling melancholy.  When I'm trying to figure something out.  I don't always find the answers, but sometimes after writing things down, I feel better, or my mind is calmed enough I can go ahead and go to sleep after.  I guess that is probably what I'm hoping for tonight.

Sometimes life is hard.  Then you come out of the hardship and you think to yourself "whew, we made it through that".  Only to find yourself in the deep end of heartbreak from more hardship.

I'm in the deep in of difficulty.

My dad has cancer, didn't tell us for a while. Now we know, but he's sick. They are doing treatment and they aren't anywhere (to our knowledge) near saying 'end of life/life expectancy' stuff so, I'm praying for him. He's believing in healing and going to start radiation and maybe even have surgery soon.

This is a difficult time.

N has been sick too.  She puts up so many parameters up on what I can share or say or not say to people or things I can or can't do with her and our relationship.  She doesn't trust me and while I keep trying to earn that trust back, I'm overwhelmed by the emotions of just wanting to be her mom, to hold her in my arms love her and tell her everything will be okay - but she pulls away.  She has her reasons for not trusting me.  I understand, she was hurt and I was close by and didn't know it and I wasn't there for her the way she needed me to be.  I just found out not long ago and I'm devastated.  I get why she is punishing me and has for so long, I get the lack of trust.  But I hurt for her.  I hurt for her because of her physical pain and her emotional pain.  But now, she's moving on and starting to heal and making decisions that I don't agree with, that I never thought she would do and I'm at a loss because I don't have permission to be in her life in the way a mom should be there.  I have to tiptoe and only say/do the things I'm permitted to say/do.  I want to help her.  I want to celebrate her life with her. I want to be excited when she's excited and I want to hurt with her when she's hurting.  I am overwhelmed that I don't get to have that with her.

This is a painful time.

Dash and I are trying to help one another through the mind field of relationships with N and trying to still be there for CS while he's developing into an adult and trying to encourage one another and well --- that last part is tough because we don't agree sometimes and we don't see things the same and we'll be ok and then we just aren't because we are on opposite sides of a solution.  Which then makes the solution a problem and you just cycle back.

This is a challenging time.

I am so glad I am in school so I have some reprieve when I have to think about school, I can't think or dwell on everything else.  But school brings its own dilemmas as I'm being stretched and realizing that at 45, going back to school is not easy.  I don't know things and I'm relearning things and I'm learning how to learn again.  It's tough.  It's not for the weak.  Sometimes my brain just hurts.

This is a time of mixed feelings.

Sometimes I feel lost.  Tonight, I feel lost.  I hurt for my dad.  I ache for my daughter.  I cry at what is a very challenging time for my marriage, I'm neither happy or sad but overwhelmed with school.

This is a time of life that is not great. I know that I'll reach the other side.  I know that I'll get through this too.  I'm at peace during this feeling like if I keep moving I'll eventually get through the woods.  I'm just not sure what the other side of the woods looks like.  I thought life got easier not harder as you get older.  I mean, you're supposed to grow, have more wisdom, have more answers...but all you have are the answers to the things from the past and rarely do we repeat our past.  We have new things.  I'm a mess.  I'm a mess and I don't know how to get through it but I'm going to trust God to shine a light and keep me headed in the right direction. I may stumble and I may trip up and I may get to the other side and it may look very different than I imagined.  But I know I can do this.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sin Vocabulary

We've recently been challenged to think about what we label mistakes or poor choices and identify sin....

I've been in church, reading my Bible etc but still lately I've slipped back into using profanity.  I asked a question --- Doesn't the Bible specify that taking the Lord's name in vain is the sin and beyond that it is a charater flaw, not a sin?

I was told that profanity is a sin and that it is based on culture and what is acceptable or not in our culture that defines it...so the "f" word in europe is perfectly acceptable and not vulgar, but here it is not... same application to hand gestures.

Do you agree?  Do you believe that culture can define sin?

I am still not sure if I do (but maybe I'm trying to justify my own actions?)  I didn't think I was, I thought I had this "figured out".  Now I am confused! 

I need analytical process people who know the Word to help me with one (Shakedust/Golden) :) 

I think you may be my only readers at this point ... but I would still call you out! lol

Help!  thoughts?

Seasons of life - changes - and other random thoughts

I'm getting ready to make another change.  I have decided to leave my current job and move to a small company.  Ultimately the decision was made because I am tired of working with someone who always brings me down.  I need to happier people in my life and people who aren't always trying to make my life difficult. 

So - I found a new job.

Chandler is finishing his last semester of high school.  He is also completing year 1 of his Associates Degree.  He is still living at home and while we're close to being an empty nest - we're not there yet. 

Life Group/Sunday School/Workers - again

Chad and I are officially in ministry again.  We're on the prayer team (yes, that team that only old people are invited to join!) :)  We're also starting a Life Group.  It's specifically a "part 2" of a group called Starting Point.  Starting Point is a class that our church offers and they use Andy Stanley curriculum.  It is great for new Christians, but I'm excietd because it also lights a fire and brings back excitement for us older Christians too!  The program that Chad and I will be doing starting next quarter is called Sharing Point.  It takes a video clips from the Bible Project and gives the class opportunity to learn more Bible while emphasizing the importance of iron sharpening iron.  The concept is to take the newer believers and Christians who want to grow more to a new level without throwing them into the deep end off the high dive before they've had a swimming lesson! :)  It was birthed out of a passion for discipleship for Christians who don't have Sunday School as an option and who aren't familiar with life groups and don't have a comfort level with them yet.  Basically, the idea is to make sure that for 8 weeks the people who finished Starting Point have another place to meet, continue to grow and a step to learn about how Life Groups work and become comfortable with participating in them. 

Timing is everything.  I'm trusting God with my new job, for my replacement in the old job, for guidance and wisdom in the new group and I'm looking forward to a new year. 

I am also 75% sure that in April I will go back to school and start working on an Accounting degree, at least that is the current plan. 

I need to make changes in health too - as usual.  I still have no clue what or how to do that.   But I see God's hand at work in so many things in my life.  In every aspect.  This past year, with the exeption of Student Loans we became debt free.  That was not easy.  We worked really hard for several years to pay off debt.  If only I could apply that same discipline to my eating and exercise habits. 

Maybe I will. 

Guess that's all for now.  Thanks for reading!  :) Goodnight. 

No More Words

I have tried to write about so many things this year.  But the words have left me.  I can't put into words the thoughts/feelings surrounding the death of Chad's dad.  The changes Chandler and Nicky are experiencing in life with work and growing into adulthood.  My own work/life balance and deciding to change jobs with the new year.  

I want to share, but I don't know where to start or what really anyone would want to hear?  Maybe that is it more than anything else.  

Even now, nothing. 

movies

four movies. On my computer sets 4 movies. They are not in our movie collection "where they belong" according to my husband. They are on top of my computer. These are the movies I like to quote the most, the movies that when I'm balancing the checkbook, paying a bill, or blogging - I like to have on in the background. Some people like music, I find comfort in these movies. They are all modern, as I am not yet a fan of old movies. Maybe someday? Which one I would pick over another depends on the mood I'm in, do I want mostly music with a love story theme? Do I want romantic where the setting is character as well as the people? Do I want action with a dash of romance? Or do I just want to observe people having fun playing games with each other that happen to fall into love in the process? :)

Four go to movies.... 1, 2, 3, 4.

If you had 4 "go to" movies what would they be, and why?

My facebook post took on its own life!

So I made it a blog! :)

I liked research papers when I was young, but that was when it was "work" you had to go to a library, read books, do searches. I enjoyed going to the college library for my English reports when I was in high school and looking things up on Microfiche! That was pretty cool. I loved how you could soom through the film! :) Even though my grammar was (and is) not the greatest, I still loved writing a good intro, body, and conclusion. There was something satisfying about it. Sometimes I miss those days. Then I just think of how many times I say "okay google" and I get random information spoken to me from my phone (That isn't just the local time and temperature!) We've come a long way and I am both a product of my past and present!

Forward Motion

As I mentioned previously, life is always in a forward motion, even when we feel it isn't.

A little over a month ago we got our Jeep lease.  Chandler got the merit for his fine arts Tshirt design (that means it was the best in all of Michigan).

Today is Easter - we had Nicky over.  Had a nice meal and played a game and watched a movie together.  Life keeps moving forward.

In the Orthodox Church where I work for the next 40 days - They greet everyone with "Christos Anesti'' and the reply is "Alithos Anesti".   "Christ is Risen" "He is Risen Indeed".

While life goes on and moves forward, today is also a day to reflect on the past - what God did for us and why we should not take each gifted day from him for granted.

random thoughts

Connections.  I still occasionally do the fantasy survivor league with my friends from OP.  I have been hit and miss over the years.  I mentioned it to people in Michigan and they want to start one here.
....  huh?  maybe.  Could I handle 2 leagues. Would I actually have to think about my picks if I did that?  lol

Even in my randomness I am analytical.  I like random picks but I almost always have a pattern or thought to the "random" pick.  Some might say that means it isn't truly random at all??

Chandler's at Michigan Fine Arts today.  We did not go.  He is doing worship team (drumming) and he submitted a T-shirt design.

Chandler has many talents.  (I can talk about him here - he doesn't read my blog).

I have to be careful with Chander.  I want to encourage him, but the second we do that he becomes an over-confindent-big-headed person.  He has worked on being more humble and he has improved.  The thing is, he has a BIG personality.  I honestly thought for years that of my two kids Nicky would be more out going, but as she has gotten older, she is quieter and more reserved.  Chandler (who used to not say 2 words to people) is Mr. Everybody's man.  All our friends talk about how sweet he is.  How their kids look up to him (not just becuase he's tall).  His bosses have always liked him.  His teachers.

I'm so glad that he is respectful and well liked.  If he were reading this, he would expect a but to be here.  No buts.  just that.  He is a good kid and becoming an good man and I'm proud of him.  I still parent him.  But I'm proud of him.

We stayed behind today from fine arts.  One reason was that Chad and I were both working yesterday (he wasn't arriving back from Chicago until late last night) and making the 2.5 hour trip would have been more challenging.  Another reason was because we do not have a vehicle for long trips right now.  We had a rental car booked but Chandler said we would make him too nervous and asked us not to go.  So we cancelled the rental and set up an appointment with a car dealership.

In 2 hours we'll be meeting with them.  I'm not sure if we'll get into a lease or walk away exactly where we were when we arrived.  But we figured it was worth looking into.   If it doesn't work out, we'll have to go buy another crap car.  I'm really tired of those by the way.

I digress.  I'm going to go get ready now and hope/pray for the best outcome for today.

----  good or bad, life goes on.  We are always in a forward motion.

Home - Where Home Never Was

Chandler recently had a paper he wrote about "home".  He took the perspective that "home" to him is not a place he has ever lived, but it is the farm, where I grew up that he knows as "the farm".  I am glad that he has a connection and draw to the land and I really enjoyed reading his paper and the memories he has both with my parents and just through experiences he was able to have because of the land.  He talked about riding the 4 wheeler and bycycle trips and exploring the entire farm, that seems to go on forever!

I know that my kids don't have a "homestead".  They don't have a childhood home that they will return too with their children in tow, where mom and dad have always been and will always be, but I'm glad that even though they don't have that, they have an idea of that through the place where I grew up.

In a different talk all together, Chandler said he would rather go on a vacation with Chad and I to KC/Springfield and do a "trip down memory lane" than a theme park vacation.  I guess even though you can never go back once you leave a place a part of it always stays with you.  That is how I feel about Indiana, Springfield, and Overland Park.  I don't know if Michigan is a "for now" or "forever" place for us, but it definately has made its mark also!  I'm very thankful that while for Chandler Home is where Home never was, for me - Home is everywhere I've been.  It moves with me and so do the people.  Each place has special memories and each person who touched my life and changed me gets to change others in locations they may never go, with people they will most likly never meet!

Home - where it continues with  me.

A new Beginning

Chandler started college today.  This is the first year of his dual enrollment program of high school/college. He'll be part-time high school/college this year (his junior year of high school) and next (his senior year of high school) and then he'll complete his associates degree in year 13.

I feel like we treat him more like he's in college than in high school.  But to his credit, he is a good kid, working a lot, and in college.


He just turned 17.  When Chad was 17 he graduated early and started his 4 year degree program.

Looking back on who we were and how we were at 17 and 21 (the age of kids now) man...how much we have grown since then!

I so many life changes happen between the ages 17 and 30.  In school, out of school.  Often people date or get married and start families during this decade.  I don't know if that will happen for my kids or not?

I'm looking forward to what the next 10 to 13 years brings them in life.  Where they will be, who they will be spending life with, and how much of their life will  they share with me?  

It is an exciting time for them and this is just the beginning!  :)

Love Week - STEPS - and reflections

This past week our church did a local outreach week for the second year.  They call it "Love Week" and we have several things we do out in the community to show love.  To name just a few, we clean up yards for some of the local residences that can't do yard work themselves.  We take a meal to city works (Fire Fighters, Police Officers, City Hall workers).  During the local city festival, we maintain the hospitality tent for all the city workers.  We cleaned up a local elementary schools courtyard, including building and painting 3 new picnic tables for them, plus did a lot of yard work for them.  We did a free soccer camp both years. There is also some random acts of kindness - with paying it forward at local restaurants and so forth.  It is a home missions week that is organized throughout the year.

Chad and I participated in the backpack giveaway program this year.  We purchased 2 back-packs and filled them for local children and then we helped inventory/pack the backpacks that came in to give away also.

I really like the idea of doing LOVE week and from what we've heard there are other churches that have heard about it and started their own form of LOVE week in their communities!

-----

STEPS.  Our pastor is doing a series on Joseph called STEPS.  He's talking about how we can think we know what God wants in our lives (the dream he had of his brothers bowing down) and then our life takes detours (being sold into slavery) or delays (waiting for the cupbearer to remember him).

It's not been an over powering series, but it has been a time of reflection for me.  Thinking about the detours and delays in my life and thinking  what "step" I'm on now.

Good stuff happening at church and I wanted to share!  :)

:( Processing

Nicky is spending her first night in her new home.  She signed a lease and moved out today.  My first advice to anyone who is going to go through this someday with their kids .... PREOCCUPY YOURSELF!   Chandler is taking the basement (where Nicky was) and we annexed his old room for the office.  So the entire week to two weeks that she was packing and preparing to go, we were too.  It took some of the sting out of her going.  (Some).  Tonight as she was moving the last of her stuff, we were trying to organize the office and set it up.  Keeping busy is a big help to avoid the saddness of her moving out.

I am thrilled that we raised a daughter who wants to be independent and self sufficient.  She is both of those things.

I am sad that I won't need to stay up to wait for her to come home.  I won't know what she's doing all the time.  I won't be able to stop her from coloring her hair pink, or blue, or purple or all three! :)

But I trust her and I know that she is a competent adult.  It is just another adjustment to life.  Life with an ADULT child.  One down - One to go.  (I wonder what I can make Chandler's room when he moves out - Maybe Chad and I will each get our OWN office/extra room???? LOL)

Looking forward to seeing where life takes this awesome girl of mine!  :)

Life's journey

Nicky is about to move out - this time, we're doing things the right way!  She is moving out - we're not moving away from her. :) It appears she's only going to be a couple miles away, which will be nice.  Not that we'll see her with her working 2 jobs and taking classes and being involved in ministry. It's a wonder she has time to sleep.  :(

The point is, She is 21.  She wants her independence.  Nicky tends to stretch herself too thin.  That is my biggest worry for her moving out. But she believes she is ready and can handle it and I guess to some degree you do what you have to do, right?  I mean - if you never take the training wheels off a bike, you never learn to ride a bike.  So, it is time for the training wheels to be removed from her life and for her to learn how to really ride.  That means she'll have some falls and scrapes along the way, most people do, but I trust that if she says she is ready, then she is.  I don't want her to live at home forever!  At some point, she needs to be able to start her journey.

Her journey is not my journey.  They are connected, but they are not the same.  I'm glad I will get to start the next part of my journey and I look forward to watching where our paths will connect and intersect over the next parts of life. I'm also thankful that because she is my baby girl, I get to always have her a part of my journey!  I had her when I was 22 and I moved out of my parents home when I was 19, so for most of my independent journey - she's been a significant factor in my path choices and it will be a change to that formula.  A good change. She's an amazing kid/adult/girl/young woman and I am very proud of the choices and decisions she has made so far, I'm sure she'll continue to impress me for years to come!  :)  

 

WORK

A couple weeks into the gym/tracking my food again and I've hit some challenges.  I've had some days when I really wasn't motivated to go or to eat right.  But I'm going to stay focused.  I have to look at this as a part-time job.  The pay is better health and longer life.

I am actually enjoying working out.  I never thought I would ever say that.  It's kind of crazy.  I was watching my calories. Then I remembered something I learned in the past about weight loss was my protein and carb counts needed to the be same, or I needed to have more protein to lose the weight faster and become healthier. So, my next step is to incorporate watching the carb verses protein intake.

Setting goals are important.  Knowing when and how to adjust your short-term steps to achieve the long-term goal is crucial.

It might be baby steps, but at least I'm moving forward!

I wasn't very motivated to to the gym tonight and then I put on some clothes that I thought I would try to wear to work out and got even more discouraged.  As I was looking in the mirror I felt shame at the way I looked I remembered that is why I am doing this - to change the way I look.  To become healthier and not so obese.

Because of that goal - I put on a not so great shirt and decided that I would just have to live with it and maybe in a few weeks it will look nicer on me!

276 - found a draft of a blog that I never finish from 2015. Going to post it now, unfinished.

Is life really like a box of chocolates?  Has anyone ever gotten you a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils?  Would  you go back to being small, if you had been given the gift of getting "BIG"/adult as a pre-teen teenager?

Are you "With me" or "Without me"?  Do you ever "feel the need, the need for speed?"

I like Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise movies.  In case you are totally confused by now, The top paragraph is from 3 of Tom Hanks movies, the next line if from a couple of Tom Cruise movies.

"Forest Gump", "You've Got Mail", "BIG", "Knight and Day" and "Top Gun".

So why am I choosing to blog about these random thoughts? I have no idea.