Life Posts - stream of conscience writing - beware. :)

 Ok - I have not published anything in a while.  Here's the thing - the thing is - how do you put this down in writing?  I have spoken these words, but to write it.  It makes it feel more real. To respect the privacy of my husband, I will continue to call him Mr. T as some people jokingly called him in what now feels like a past life.  Over two decades ago we found our people, and even though we have moved and many of our people have too, this blog remains.  I don't think anyone even reads these any more!  But here I am, writing this with no expectations of return, just another post to the great void, the internet.  

Ok - I'm back - Mr. T.  That was where I veered.  Mr. T went to the emergency room a few months ago.  The short version, he thought he was having a heart attach.  The long version.  He has HCC (Liver Cancer).  We've had a few months to live with the diagnosis.  Treatment started (finally) a little over a month ago.  He has stage 3 liver cancer.  The good new is that even though it is large it is not currently in charge of his entire body. It has not spread.  There have been countless doctors, appointments, tests, labs.  It's is overwhelming to say the least.  It is almost like we have parallel lives happening.  One life, he has cancer, appointments, tests, treatments and the other - our daughter is getting married, we are both working full time, our son is buying a house and getting promoted and life continues.  The earth still spins.  Day becomes night, night becomes day.  

Here is where I put the note in that I'm SOOOOO thankful that we get to live parallel lives. That he is well enough to enjoy the kids at Christmas and fix dinner or go out to eat.  We can play card games with friends and if we didn't have the disruption of the appointments, losing his sick time and paid time off; very little has changed.  And yet it has changed.  

People say there are good days and bad days.  We are blessed and thankful that we haven't really seen bad at this point.  Yes, in context and perspective - we have good days and bad, but our bad days are so minor to what they could be, that we find ourselves focused on what they aren't not what they are.  

I know that a lot of what we are going through is not different from that of what people go through with any chronic illness.  People live with cancer, HIV, MS, heart problems, Parkinson's, and so many more things.  This is not a post asking for pity or even implying that we somehow have it worse than others.  It is just a post to say that today - I feel it.  I feel sad that my husband has cancer.  I know the doctors are optimistic and that we have not been given news that implies we should expect anything less than a positive outcome.  But today, that doesn't matter. Today, I feel sad.  I feel the impact that he has had on my life and I feel strength that he has been for me for so long and I feel the vast inability to be that strength for him.  I feel so lost.  I feel so unprepared to be the one who nurtures and cares for him.  I have been loved and cared for and babied my entire adult life by this man and today I realize just how much I have lacked in reciprocating that strength.  I have not enabled him to be a person who sometimes just needs the comfort of someone else.  I have not enabled him to need. 

Today, I was able to be support - a little bit.  In a very minor way.  I am learning.  He is learning.  It is not easy to allow oneself to be vulnerable.  He is not good at that, which is why he is better at being the strong one.  As the scales balance out more and we both learn to grown in this unfortunate way.  My super hero of a husband remains my ride or die.  I saw a friends post on Facebook about cancer. How the treatments often tear families apart and how so many marriages end in divorce.  I'm saddened  by that post because this is the most difficult thing we have ever gone through as a couple.  It is harder than debt, harder than job losses, harder than having different life goals and learning to realign.  It is tough and yet - it isn't.  It is what you do.  You love one another, you take care of each other.  

I have had the song "you're still the one" running through my mind all day.  I can not imagine one day in my life where this song is not 100% accurate.  Mr. T is still the one and I hope and pray we have many more years together, in good times; in bad time; in sickness; and in health  

YOU'RE STILL THE ONE

Graduate 2020

 

After years of only having an Associates degree in Management and Marketing,  I finally completed my Bachelors of Science in Accounting.  I am proud of my accomplishment.  I am realistic that it isn't a major award or some tremendous accomplishment compared to most people, but it feels good.  I have felt like I was limited by not completing my bachelors years ago and I'm glad to have had the opportunity to have this experience at this point in my life. It was work, I'm not an academically minded person, but I genuinely enjoyed learning and growing as a person through the experience.  I am not sure what my future holds but I'm happy that I achieved this.

Here I go again

Warning - if you're looking for a nice healthy blog  -  this is not the one to read!  Skip along!

Ok, if you are still reading, you've been warned! ;)

Health.  As an extremely obese person, I don't talk much about health.  I shy away from it because it's obvious I'm not the picture of health. This is certainly and sadly not limited to my physical status.  But recently my son was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes.  It's been an adjustment for him, and for me, it's been a smack in the face.  Because I've been type 2 diabetic for a while now and I'm on a lot of insulin because I don't control my diet, I have a lifestyle of almost no activity and I've done nothing to change this.

After my son's diagnosis, I felt guilty for not doing more.  I had been wanting to do something, but with work and school, I gave myself an out and thought, maybe next year, when I'm done with school.  Then I saw that I had access through my benefits program for Virta Health. It is a keto diet program, monitored by doctors. 

So, after weeks of tests and training, today I start on the Virta program.  I am doing this because there is nothing my son can do to change his diagnosis, but he still purposefully is making healthy choices and doing his best to adapt.  I don't want to have him resent me for having the ability to change and not doing it.  I'm doing this because I'm still ashamed of myself and I want to be proud of myself. I'm doing this because I want to live a long life and I won't if I don't stop my self-sabotage now.

Here is where the really unhealthy talking starts --- run away!  :)

I need to break up with Carbs.  I have an unhealthy love with carbohydrates and sugars and that's why I've not made changes until now.  So - here is my breakup letter to carbs. (This is not part of the program, just something I need to do for me).

Carbs,
I appreciate how you've been there for me all these years. You have looked pretty and tasted wonderful.  You're so versatile too. You can go anywhere and fit right in!  It's been great.  I mean, we've had some awesome times.  Unfortunately, I can't see you anymore.  I'm at a point in my life I need to do things on my own.  I need to be happy and celebrate without you.  I need to feel sad and know it's ok without you comforting me.  I need to find out who I am, without you.  It really isn't you, it's me.  You're great!  There are so many others out there for you that you are a good fit for.  I just can't keep doing this, I'm not healthy when I'm with you.  Thanks for understanding, you're awesome that way, so I knew you would.  Love, T

Reader, if you are still there, I know I'm being silly, but sometimes life calls for it.  I have an addictive personality.  So much that I knew if the program made me give up carbs and diet coke I'd struggle. (Thank you, Lord, I get to keep the soda, for now!)  Maybe I'll kick bad habits/addictions by getting healthier and I admire those who have the mental ability to do things in moderation and hear the voice in their head say stop and they do!  That is amazing!  I'm still not sure why I'm broken in that way?  The good news is even though I've tried things before this, I'm not giving up on me.  I'm not giving in to a destiny of death.  I choose to work, to overcome and I choose me.

I don't want my children to ever look at my life and think that I've wasted it. I want them to see growth and change and me never giving up.  I know they see the imperfection, I pray they see the willingness to move towards better life choices, in all areas of my life.

Anyone still reading, know that it is my prayer, that you never give up on YOU!  Love, T

What - or who - is standing in your way?

Over the years I've spent a lot of time telling my kids they could do or be whatever they want. That ultimately the people who want something bad enough - make it happen.  I've been a firm believer of that too!

So I guess the title is a little misleading.

Last year about this time I had an epiphany.  I realized that I was my own worst enemy.  I was the person holding me back and standing in my way.  While life circumstances certainly contribute, I was the only reason I had not completed my bachelors degree.  So, I went online and researched, found a school I could afford and now I'm about done with year 1 of 2 years to complete an Accounting degree.  Because I decided to not just go for 1 to 1/2 years and complete the management degree, but to go and complete the Accounting degree that I always said I wish I had, but never got.

It's tough.  A lot tougher than I expected.  I didn't realize how much my reading comprehension issues played a part in my quitting school the first time. I've struggled with every class, but with every class I gain confidence too.  In the process I also received a bump at work, where they recognized I can do more and they are letting me, so I am truly a manager, even hired my first employee - start to finish, by myself!  I think that has a lot to do with me going back to school for my bachelors degree and having more confidence in who I am.

It's hard to explain, but I'll try.

Basically - once I let go of all my inner reasons (some valid, some excuses) to not pursue my degree it was like I broke down this wall of inferiority and I pushed through holding onto my lack of self confidence as a security blanket.  To achieve a degree and essentially learn how to learn again - at 45 - well, there is no room for "I can't or what ifs".  I have to channel my inner yoda and "do or do not".

If anyone reading this is considering what's next in their life (which I seem to find we have crossroads more frequently than most would like to admit) and you're not sure if you should take the leap,  I ask - who or what is standing in your way?

If you're a couple, you may have to do some decision making processes together.  I had to acknowledge that our home life would change and I couldn't do FT work, school, and household management.  Thankfully I had a husband who supported me and was in a place in his life that he could rearrange things and take on cooking, grocery store runs, and managing the cleaning so I can have study time carved out and we can still have some down time too.  I'm getting the degree, but I couldn't have done this without his support.  He helped me remove some of the things that were standing in my way, once I was able to identify what they were.

If you're reading this, know that anything you want you can achieve, you just have to find your path to it.  Sometimes it is a paved path (right out of high school continuing to college); sometimes a dirt path just off a bit; and sometimes you're in the middle of the forest hoping you're heading the right direction from what little sun you can catch through the trees.  It maybe hard, but sometimes the things we need to do are.

At some point your lack of choosing becomes your choice.

Processing

Well, a lot of life changes since I last wrote.  I'm back in school finishing my bachelor's degree in Accounting.  I have 2 years to complete it and I started in April. I'm getting my degree through Western Governors University. It is an online school  The program is really good.  I'm hitting some roadblocks as I'm beginning to understand/believe that I have a form of dyslexia.  I have several challenges that have helped me to self-identify.  I have found some online help. 
I'm not sure if I'll proceed with getting a formal diagnosis or not.  If I can get through my work without needing special accommodations, then I'll probably just manage the way I am.  I do wish my kids would see Drs. I think they both show signs of this and it may be the reason that Nicky struggled in school.  But I doubt that they will. 

Speaking of kids, Chandler graduated high school. He's completing his Associate's degree this year at the local community college.  He's doing great.  We're very proud of him, the work he's doing and the focus he has on his future.

Free Style Writing

I am starting a Business Strategy class and the first lesson I had was on freestyle writing to come up with themes and ideas.  It reminded me of my blog, as I've always said that was what I was doing here.

Often I find myself on here when I'm feeling melancholy.  When I'm trying to figure something out.  I don't always find the answers, but sometimes after writing things down, I feel better, or my mind is calmed enough I can go ahead and go to sleep after.  I guess that is probably what I'm hoping for tonight.

Sometimes life is hard.  Then you come out of the hardship and you think to yourself "whew, we made it through that".  Only to find yourself in the deep end of heartbreak from more hardship.

I'm in the deep in of difficulty.

My dad has cancer, didn't tell us for a while. Now we know, but he's sick. They are doing treatment and they aren't anywhere (to our knowledge) near saying 'end of life/life expectancy' stuff so, I'm praying for him. He's believing in healing and going to start radiation and maybe even have surgery soon.

This is a difficult time.

N has been sick too.  She puts up so many parameters up on what I can share or say or not say to people or things I can or can't do with her and our relationship.  She doesn't trust me and while I keep trying to earn that trust back, I'm overwhelmed by the emotions of just wanting to be her mom, to hold her in my arms love her and tell her everything will be okay - but she pulls away.  She has her reasons for not trusting me.  I understand, she was hurt and I was close by and didn't know it and I wasn't there for her the way she needed me to be.  I just found out not long ago and I'm devastated.  I get why she is punishing me and has for so long, I get the lack of trust.  But I hurt for her.  I hurt for her because of her physical pain and her emotional pain.  But now, she's moving on and starting to heal and making decisions that I don't agree with, that I never thought she would do and I'm at a loss because I don't have permission to be in her life in the way a mom should be there.  I have to tiptoe and only say/do the things I'm permitted to say/do.  I want to help her.  I want to celebrate her life with her. I want to be excited when she's excited and I want to hurt with her when she's hurting.  I am overwhelmed that I don't get to have that with her.

This is a painful time.

Dash and I are trying to help one another through the mind field of relationships with N and trying to still be there for CS while he's developing into an adult and trying to encourage one another and well --- that last part is tough because we don't agree sometimes and we don't see things the same and we'll be ok and then we just aren't because we are on opposite sides of a solution.  Which then makes the solution a problem and you just cycle back.

This is a challenging time.

I am so glad I am in school so I have some reprieve when I have to think about school, I can't think or dwell on everything else.  But school brings its own dilemmas as I'm being stretched and realizing that at 45, going back to school is not easy.  I don't know things and I'm relearning things and I'm learning how to learn again.  It's tough.  It's not for the weak.  Sometimes my brain just hurts.

This is a time of mixed feelings.

Sometimes I feel lost.  Tonight, I feel lost.  I hurt for my dad.  I ache for my daughter.  I cry at what is a very challenging time for my marriage, I'm neither happy or sad but overwhelmed with school.

This is a time of life that is not great. I know that I'll reach the other side.  I know that I'll get through this too.  I'm at peace during this feeling like if I keep moving I'll eventually get through the woods.  I'm just not sure what the other side of the woods looks like.  I thought life got easier not harder as you get older.  I mean, you're supposed to grow, have more wisdom, have more answers...but all you have are the answers to the things from the past and rarely do we repeat our past.  We have new things.  I'm a mess.  I'm a mess and I don't know how to get through it but I'm going to trust God to shine a light and keep me headed in the right direction. I may stumble and I may trip up and I may get to the other side and it may look very different than I imagined.  But I know I can do this.  I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Sin Vocabulary

We've recently been challenged to think about what we label mistakes or poor choices and identify sin....

I've been in church, reading my Bible etc but still lately I've slipped back into using profanity.  I asked a question --- Doesn't the Bible specify that taking the Lord's name in vain is the sin and beyond that it is a charater flaw, not a sin?

I was told that profanity is a sin and that it is based on culture and what is acceptable or not in our culture that defines it...so the "f" word in europe is perfectly acceptable and not vulgar, but here it is not... same application to hand gestures.

Do you agree?  Do you believe that culture can define sin?

I am still not sure if I do (but maybe I'm trying to justify my own actions?)  I didn't think I was, I thought I had this "figured out".  Now I am confused! 

I need analytical process people who know the Word to help me with one (Shakedust/Golden) :) 

I think you may be my only readers at this point ... but I would still call you out! lol

Help!  thoughts?